Just Being Me

Miracle Worker

2009-05-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been watching a dvd she borrowed from the library called "Miracle Worker". It's about Hellen Keller and Ann Sullivan. My daughter, 8, has probably watched it about 4 times now. For some reason it has really caught her fancy, despite being an older, black and white film.

I can't imagine that she can grasp the concept of the complexity of it - living in the world as both a deaf and blind person, of the limits in resources for people with disabilities during those times.

How much mind sets have changed since then! Then, nothing was expected of someone in Hellen's "condition". Now? Everyone, disabilities or no, are expected to reach their maximum potential. And those potentials are measured against people of legend. Such as Hellen Keller.

What Hellen, and Ann, accomplished is mind boggling to me. Miraculous. I wonder if even Ann was surprised, in the end, by what Hellen accomplished. Was Hellen meeting expectations, or exceeding them? Don't forget, Hellen read lips - and she was blind!

For all that Hellen accomplished, I think it's important to remember that she didn't do it alone. Ann played an enormous roll in the extent of Hellen's accomplishments. Ann didn't sit back and expect Hellen to excel. Ann actually bled to see Hellen succeed.

My point I suppose is that for every person who expects someone else to be a Hellen Keller, they need first to be willing to be an Ann.

Married Minority

2009-05-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

Man, sometimes I feel like I'm in the married minority. Everyone around me is divorced or getting divorced. I know, sometimes, it just doesn't work out. But that "sometimes" has turned into a large scale number!

Our neighbors just got a divorce. They have a girl my kids' age. She didn't seem to think twice about it. Neither did my kids. It was not the type of situation I wanted them to experience. They now have a "no big deal" second hand experience with divorce. That makes for an impression that is hard to override with words from me. They didn't see sad, suffering kids, scandal and embarrassment, worlds falling apart. They saw kids saying "meh" not caring if dad moved out - it's not like they'd never see him. They saw mom and dad getting a boyfriend and girlfriend. Which, to them at their age, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, is giggle, giggle cool. What kind of a message is that?!

Worse, it's not just our neighbor, it's this friend and that friend, this aunt and that cousin. What the H E double hockey sticks? What's a mom to do? How convincing is "the talk" if the proof that it's "no big deal" is bombarding them left and right, especially among their influential peers?

I sat with a group of women at a game last season. I realized as I was sitting there, that of the 6 of us, I was the only one still married. When I mentioned this, one of the girls started talking about the reasons she left her husband. I was like, my husband, he did all of that too. He had, to some degree, all the same faults she'd divorced her husband for. Doubtless my husband could come up with a nice fat list for me as well. Divorce has just become an easy out. And I hate the impression that leaves on my kids.

Now Playing/Coming Soon

2009-04-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

There are some new movies coming up that I would like to go see. Not that I will go see all of them, since paying movie theatre prices makes me physically ill. Or maybe it's the oil they pass off as melted butter. Anyway, I'm interested in:

Wolverine
Yes, I'm one of those X-men lovers. And who can resist Mr. Jackman?

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Matthew McConaughey, need I saw more?

17 Again
I'm not dying to see it, but it might be good...

Night At The Museum 2
Very likely that I will go see this one. Loved the first one. Probably take the kids.

Transformers 2
I know. I'm sorry.

Ice Age like 3 or something
Doesn't look as good as the first two, but what can you do? It's like a mommy requirement or something.

Harry Potter HBP
Read all the books, movies are a necessary evil.

That's it for now folks. That takes me to Julyish.

The Right Side of the Fence

2009-04-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

What must it have been like to be a regular German person during WW2. I recently read "The Boy Who Dared". It is intended, I believe, for young readers, but fine for adults as well. The story was about an adolescent who was discontent with the Hitler reign. It sounded as though many of the average citizens were unaware of many of the atrocities being commited. Surely though, some were aware. Some indeed, took action, hiding refugees and the like.

I wonder about those who did have an inkling. An idea that something horrible was going on. It's so easy to look back on history with all the facts and awareness and know, just know, how we would have reacted. And yet, for the women, for the children, at the times, was it really all that clear, that cut and dried?

I imagine disbelief. Confusion. To be raised to honor and be proud of your country. Who really could believe the truth of such horrors? If indeed you even heard of them. It's my understanding that many of the average citizen were lied to about the reality of what was happening with the jews. Add to that that people you know and love are also being killed in the war. Bombings killing soldiers and innocent alike.

The plight of the Jews is one of the most gut wrenching horrors I have ever known. It is an undescribable horror. I would never suggest otherwise. It is simply that there are more stories that I'd not considered.

It would be interesting, I think, to know the thoughts of those who were on the right side of the fence, but knew in their hearts that it was wrong.

Finally

2009-04-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

Finally! Some warm weather! I am so ready for nice, temporate days. It never happens soon enough and never lasts long enough. But these are the days of inspiration. Well, maybe the days of motivation. All kinds of projects and wishes come to mind. All of a sudden, a clean house seems almost achievable. Corners obscured by piled miscellaneous seem clearable. An empty laundry pile seems obtainable. Is there anything that can't happen on the onset of lovely weather? And oh my gosh, the outdoor projects.

All of a sudden I want to buy tubs and various containers. Sorting and organizing looks like ambrosia. Plants beckon me to take them home and find them a beautiful space to spread their roots. Stained glass pieces beg to be placed in my garden where the can catch the sun. My landscaping projects illusions of raised beds with new stone borders.

Bring on the sun!

Writing and Laptops

2009-03-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Writing

I have a writing fantasy. I used to produce decent short pieces that my college professors deemed skillfull. (Which dates my "used to" to a time frame that hails from over a decade ago). I still think I could write decently in short form. I've dreamed of writing something more novel or novella though. The problem is, writing is too hard. Lol. At least, succeeding at it is. I think I would lose the dream trying to reach the reality. Authors put in so much work. And then there is all the technicality to it. How things have to be to be deemed publishable. It seems to me a story should just be what pours from the authors thoughts, imagination. But then it has to be twisted to meet dialogue requirements. Appropriate cut ins for sub plots. Sentence "art" as I call it such as Bringing Bumbling Bees Bountiful Bouquets. Accommodating for all this Bumps my creativity off its Block. So it's unlikely I'll ever see my name printed down a literary spine. But a girl can still dream.

Laptops

Man, I wish I had a laptop. I might actually try my hand at writing - very, very, slowly - something of interest. At the very least I would create characters worth writing about. But it doesn't work inside my home. My home houses real life. But right outside my door? Freedom. Thought. Boundless possibilities. But no computer.

Explaining Egypt

2008-05-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Some things are particularly hard to explain to children. My daughter likes the animated movie "Prince of Egypt" which covers the dealings of Moses with the Pharoah as told in Exodus. My daughter is also extremely sensitive, particularly with babies, moms, and with anything dying.

The beginning of the movie, I was able to cover explaining the bad guys killing all the babies. It upset her but at least the concept of bad guys doing bad things makes sense to her. Harder to explain was the punishments set forth from God, and especially of course, the death of all the first borns. How do you explain that? Even understanding it, it is a painful thing to watch played out.

In other news, this is my third attempt at publishing a post. Been having connection problems but hopefully that has been resolved. It's also kept me from posting comments though too so I've been a bit out of touch.

Total And Complete Mental Exhaustion

2008-05-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

I am completely mentally exhausted. (Hence the title). I had a meeting yesterday at my daughter's school to discuss her language eval and her extended school year (summer) services. As I mentioned before, my daughter has a learning disability. She looks, acts, and seems so normal that it is often easy to forget about it, or at least tuck large parts of it under the proverbial rug.

So she qualifies now for speech/language services. She didn't before because she was given the Kindergarten assessment which doesn't include an expressive language test. And of course, expressive language is where she has the most difficulty. The therapist conducting the assessment was surprised at how high (good thing) her language comprehension was. Usually children have more correlation between their expressive and comprehensive language abilities. But M's language comprehension is actually quite good, surprisingly enough. Not surprising though, is her expressive language abilities. It's like she can get the information, understand what you are saying, but can't pass information from her brain to her mouth. She will "forget" common words like, uhm, tree. She can describe it upside down and backwards, but she can't verbalize the word "tree" (for example). Then another time she can do it fine.

So anyway, she will now be getting help for that.

Just yesterday, they completed some end of year testing with her. Her reading is still abominably low. She can identify words in one instance, and then not know them two sentences later, only for them to "come back" again later. She can't sound out words because she has forgotten the beginning sounds by the time she finishes the ending sounds.

The only area that has seen moderate improvement is numbers. And thank God for that. That "know it then not know it then know it again" has plagued her terribly with her numbers and they have been nearly impossible to get through her short term memory. We spent months just trying to "learn" the number 7!

But her difficulties are so so very damaging to her "school" learning ability. It was overwhelmingly disheartening to hear her evaluation reports. Everyone says over and over how sweet she is, how she tries so hard and works so diligently. But there is some kind of barrier in her brain that just won't let things through, either going in or coming out. It breaks my heart. I fear so greatly for her future. At 7, she has a learning disorder, which no one holds against her. As an adult, she'll just be seen as "dumb". She works so hard it's just not fair!

My chest hurts and my heart weeps. I wish so, so badly I could take this on for her instead.

School Zone

2008-05-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

We had an orientation tonight for my son's new school. Next year he will be moving on from his grade school to begin 4th grade in the 4 thru 6 consolidated school. Till now, he's been attending a school comprised of students living in his own school district. Beginning at 4th grade, all the students from all the city's school districts come together in one building. It's a bit intimidating. It makes for a school size of over 1200. I graduated from a school who's entire student body didn't break 400. I think I've done pretty well at keeping my concerns and worries away from my son. I don't want him to take on my fears. He's pretty adaptable though. What would socially terrify me doesn't phase him in the least. He sees 1140 new people as 1140 new friends.

I don't think he's believes there is a soul out there who wouldn't want to be his friend - not out of arrogance, but more out of simple oblivion. He lives in a world where people skip around holding hands and rejection doesn't exist. Rejection? What's that? And I know at times kids in his class didn't want him around. We tried to keep him off meds for his ADD for as long as possible. Behavior modifications addressed his school performance and behaviors but didn't help him with his silliness and keeping his hands to himself. But he took that in stride, almost oblivious to it.

Anyway, I'm sure he'll adjust to the changes better than I will. It won't be long into the new school year before every adult in the building will be on close personal terms with him. It's just the way he is.

On Safari

2008-04-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

My safari hunt has turned out both dangerous and exhausting. The sock monster is a clever foe! So far I have traced him to my daughter's closet, then to the toy box where it passed a fair amount of time. The sock debris was astounding. It has now moved on and I suspect it my be lingering under the bed. I have returned to camp for fortifications and will set out again tomorrow. One thing is for sure, this foe is not to be underestimated. I shudder to think of what may await me beneath the bed but I shall bolster my courage and set out with the dawn of the new day.

Play It Again, Sam

2008-04-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

My sister, niece and I went to a dueling piano bar for my niece's 21st birthday. We've been waiting for over a year for her to be old enough to get in. I've only been to one such place before, which was in Dallas just before my brother died. If you've never been to one of these places, it is a great experience which you have to try at least once. It is unbelievable the amount of songs the pianists know and their playing ability is astonishing. It's certainly worth a try.

Monster Safari

2008-04-25T00:48:00.000-07:00

There is a monster loose in my home. I thought it was contained but there has been a break out. The sock monster that previously resided in my dryer has freed itself from its restraints and is running amok in my home. It has a definite preference for my children's socks. Prior to this unfortunate incident, the monster contented itself with gobbling the occasional mate to a pair of socks during the drying cycle. Now, however, my children are running out of clean socks while none of the discarded ones are making it to the laundry hamper.

My children assure me they have no idea how their socks are mysteriously disappearing from the hamper, where of course they are certain beyond any doubt that that is the last place they had put them. That leaves only one reasonable explanation. The sock monster is on the loose.

WebMaster

2008-04-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

I have finally taken a class on creating my own website. I've wanted to do this for a while now so I can set up a site for my brother and pancreatic cancer. I've got a start page set up and plan to add more. I'm just using a free site for now. It actually was much easier than I thought it would be.

I'm really rather excited about it. For some reason though, I can get a link set up here in my post but I can't get it set up in my blogger template. I don't know if it's because it has all those back slash thingies in it, or if it's cause of the html at the end or what. (It may be becoming clearer to you as to why it seems like a big deal for me to be able to do this)

Ah well, maybe some day I'll figure that out. As for now, I'd kinda like to set up a site for someone else, maybe a non-profit group or something. Anyone have any such needs?

Vacations

2008-04-23T01:24:00.000-07:00

Something a little fun. These are places I would like to see or vacation at. Something that would probable be more dream than ever being a reality.

1. Disney World - Been there once but I would so like to take the kids again. They loved it and my daughter absolutely loves the princesses and is into all things girl and dress up. Kind of a generic, run of the mill vacation wish and more on the obtainable dream side but this one is for my kids and therefor tops my lists. Also, my brother had wanted us to all take a family vacation there but it didn't happen before he died.

2. Japan - The main island, mainly Kyoto, Tochigi, Mt Fuji. Not so much Tokyo but their places of beauty and culture. We had a girl from Japan live with us for 4 years when I was a junior in high school. She is back in Japan now and I would like to visit her and her parents. I have a feeling I would never have the time to see all I'd want to see. Konichi-wa!

3. Scotland - I love the brogue. I want to see the highlands and the castles. I'd like to experience castle life - for about 2 days, I'm sure that's all I'd last. I like toilet paper and I like to flush.

4. Central America - I want to see a rainforest. Waterfalls. I'd never be able to breath there because of the humidity but we're being fanciful, right?

5. Italy - I don't speak a word of Italian but I want to see the Colosseum, the rich history, vineyards. This is probably one of the few places that the cities hold the allure.

6. A Monastery - Kinda odd, huh? But I want to go someplace very, very simple. I want to spend time in complete silence. I want to meditate in an environment rich in devotion to a higher power. I think a Buddist type place would be neat, I, of course, would be connecting with God rather than Budda or my own perfect self or whatever it is exactly that they seek. Oddly enough, I don't lean towards a christianish monastery. Certainly not a catholic monastery and those are the only christianish ones I am aware of without getting into the uncertainty of new age comet riding stuff. There are christian places to go, but they lack to monastery setting. Somehow the christian setting still seems too worldly to me. Not that something appropriate to what I'm looking for isn't out there, just I don't know if it is or where it's at. Anyway, monastery, ya. Monks, robes, silence, simplicity, silence, reflection, and simplicity. And silence.

7. Somewhere with beautiful, crystal clear blue water. Don't much care where it's at, as long as it's not a tourist trap place. I just want to spend a day staring at the beautiful blue clear water. Then we can go.

These really aren't in order, now that I look at them. But I would labor to much over decisions that are moot anyway.

Learning a Learning Disorder

2008-04-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

My daughter, now 7, was diagnosed last year with a learning disorder. Her main problems are with short term memory and information retrieval. I've since learned a lot about learning disorders. At one time, I related LD to slow, retarded, not smart, etc, etc. My daughter, however is intelligent, very socially capable, and by no means retarded in any way. Most people don't even know she has a learning disorder. The parents of her playmates are usually stunned if/when I tell them. I think because many people equate LD with being some form of retarded that they are taken by surprise to hear that a seemingly normal vibrant young girl is LD. Then, because she seems so "normal", they assume her learning problems must not be very severe.

Her learning problems are actually fairly substantial. For instance, in addition to the time spent in Kindergarten, she spent the first half of her 1st grade school year trying to "learn" the number 7. We finally just moved on. She has some kind of block to number 7, and 9. Let alone learning her teens! I would spend a 20 minute session just on the number 7 - writing it, saying it, counting it, doing it in glitter or sandpaper or bright colors - and at the end of that time, I could hold up a card with a 7 on it and it'd be 50/50 on whether or not she'd be able to tell me what it was. Yet the next day, she may identify 7's as if she'd never had trouble with it.

It's been very frustrating. The intricacies on the workings of her mind would actually be quite fascinating if it didn't hurt my heart so much. She is a super hard worker and very diligent. She doesn't give up. It's just that for all her hard work, she so seldom sees success or progress. I've often said that for as hard as she works, she should be a genius.

That's the facts in a nutshell. More to come on my feelings and experiences in the matter at a later date.

Kidney Beans

2007-08-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

Arrg. Recovering from kidney troubles. Started out with kidney stones, which is bad enough, and advanced from there. Went to the ER one night with kidney pain, found out it was a stone, and was admitted due to the size of the stone. Had to have surgery to have a Double J stint put in, then had to wait for my turn for the Lithotripsy. That wait was almost two weeks.

A couple of days before my Lithotripsy day I started feeling really sick and feverish. The nurse at the Urologist kept telling me to just take Tylenol. By the day before I was to go for the Lithotripsy I was unable to keep anything down and quite feverish. Finally this time when I called they gave me to the doctor himself who then told me to go to the ER. Now, I find out I have a bad and very dangerous kidney infection. I end up spending 7 days in the hospital, most of which I only have vague memories of as I was so sick I was out of it and didn't remember my husband being at the hospital and one day didn't know who my parents were when they came in.

Finally I have had the Lithotripsy, which is considered a surgery procedure since they put you out under a general anesthetic. Now I just have to hope to pass what is left of the stone. I have at least one more surgery to undergo plus have the stint removed.

What a mess this has been. I dread seeing what my hospital bill is going to be. And it's not done yet. I've been hearing during all 0f this how surprisingly common kidney stones are. I've not heard another kidney infection story yet but I was surprised at how many people have had kidney stones.

Read

2006-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

I'm searching for a book. My favorite book is Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen. When the A&E movie first came out my husband ordered the movie and companion book for me. I have, however, lost the book that goes with the movie. I'm incredibly bummed and have been unable to locate a copy of this particular printing of the book. I've seen people advertise their book using the picture of this edition, but, disappointingly, the book never turns out to be the A&E companion book. Arrrrggg!

I have a reading addiction. I love to read. And I have a reading disability. It's called Cantputitdown syndrome. It is nothing for me to stay up all night reading a book because I can't put it down. Yep, reading makes me sleepy alright. Sleepy the next day from staying up too late reading.

Books come to life for me. Often times I can't remember if I saw a movie of something or if I just read the book. I see books in my head so vividly that later I can't distinguish between whether I've just read about it or if I actually saw it. Does that make sense? In some ways it's kinda nice. I've seen the first six Harry Potter movies though Hollywood has only produced 4 of them. My Where The Red Fern Grows is way better than the tv edition. Oddly, it's not restricted to fiction either. I often don't know if the information I'm recalling came from Dateline and 60 minutes or Reader's Digest. The drawback is when I'm searching and searching and searching for a movie that I want to watch again which I will never find because the film only played in my head. Does this happen to anyone else?

11 Years And Counting

2006-09-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Wow. 11 years! Our wedding day seems like a long time ago but it doesn't seem possible that we've been married 11 years. Here are some of our highlights of 11 years in the making.

We both started out working evenings, D as a welder and me as an RN on a Psych ward.

We took a trip to the east coast driving and touring as we went over a 2 week period.

After one year of marriage, we bought our home

We got our first pet, a greyhound we named Lucy, the day we moved into our new house.

3 years after we got married, we had our first child, our son.

6 months after our son was born, I had major surgery which left me disabled. Since my husband had to work and his family wouldn't help take care of our son during the day, our son had to live with my family over an hour away during the week. After weeks in the hospital, I recovered from surgery at my parents (my mom took off work to take care of me). D visited our son and I on weekends. After 2 months, I was able to get up enough to go to therapy. I had to leave my son at my parent's while I moved back home to start my therapy. Our son came home on weekends. D took care of me during the week and took care of me and our son on the weekends. It was a very difficult time.

Also during this time, D was diagnosed with sleep apnea.

Just before our son turned 1, we were able to set things up for me to care for him most of the week, with a hired sitter helping out twice a week. Our son moved back home permenantly after almost 6 months. 6 weeks later we celebrated our 4th anniversary.

Midway thru our 4th year, I became pregnant with our 2nd child, our daughter. Since this was a virtual near impossibility, we were shocked to say the least. I continued to take home pregnancy tests well after my first doctors visit and didn't stop until after the first ultrasound. We believe without a shadow of a doubt that our daughter was an act of God (so to speak) and something He intended for our lives.

One month to the day after our 5th anniversary, our daughter was born without complications, despite doctors beliefs that it would be otherwise.

One month after our daughter was born, my husband visited the doctor to make sure no more such surprises would arise. :<)

The summer after our 6th anniversary, we started hosting Gem's players.

Our 7th year went fairly smooth, marred only by my father's diagnosis of Prostate cancer followed by successful surgery to remove the cancer.

2 months after our 8th anniversary, my brother died of Pancreatic Cancer after an 11 week struggle with the disease.

The summer after our 8th anniversary, we traveled with D's parents and sister's family to Florida to Disney World for a Disney vacation.

Our 9th anniversary passed quietly.

Near the end of our 10th anniversary, our son celebrated his 8th birthday. 8 years!

That brings us to number 11. What a go. D is 36 and I am 33. Our son is 8 and our daughter will soon be 6. 11 years behind us and, God willing, many more ahead.

A Loss To The Animal Kingdom

2006-09-05T02:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big TV personality person but Steve Irwin's (aka The Crocodile Hunter) death was a blow that took my breath away. I don't think he sought out the fame, I think fame found him. He in turn used his fame to help the animals he was so passionate about.

He was so entertaining. My kids liked to watch him. Heck, I liked to watch him. It never came across like he was acting for the sake of an audience. To me, it seemed more like his flamboyant personality was just, well, who he was.

His poor family. How heartbreaking. His loss is far more than just the loss of a TV personality. He really did something, was about something. And filmology simply captured it and showed it to the world.

Framed

2006-08-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I finally got new glasses. When I got my last pair, 6 years ago, I was rushed by my infant daughter demanding to be nursed. As a result, I settled for a pair that the glasses helper lady said "Oh those are nice" about (probably because they were the most expensive pair I'd put on) despite the fact that I didn't really like them. In no time at all I grew to hate them. They were not very flattering but they were 100 percent mine. Ah well, I had a new infant and how I looked in my glasses I'm sure was better than how I looked in my sweats and t-shirt with a spit up stain on the shoulder. Especially since a whole day could pass without my having once brushed my hair. But that's another blog.

Eventually though, I graduated from sweats and baby stained clothes and my glasses just stuck out worse. I'm not sure when they got bent out of shape, but I never even bothered to have them adjusted. I looked as though I had my head permenantly cocked to one side in a contemplative manner. Except that my head was perfectly aligned upon my shoulders. In short, I looked ridiculous.

But all that has finally changed. I picked out my own frames this time, taking all the time I needed and leaving no pair untested. I am now the proud owner of glasses that I actually like. I was able to test them out on my best friend tonight, whom to my relief, liked them quite well. I'd asked my husband what he thought right after I'd gotten them. Fishing for compliments from my husband though, is quite an adventure all in it's own. He's incapable of just saying, "They look nice, I like them". Instead, I get a 20 minute rendition of Ray Ramone (everybody loves Raymond) stumbling all over himself. Somewhere in the middle of his tirade I specifically remember him saying "I mean, they're glasses" followed by multiple ways to qualify that to mean something better than what it sounded. Finally, at the end of his word vomit episode, I said "So you like them?" to which he replied "yes".

God love 'em.

So there you have it.

Liberate Me

2006-08-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

What is womens Lib anyway? Some things I see done under women's Lib, I just gotta wonder about the rightness of it. I'm in agreeance with gender equality. But I'm not for gender sameness. I want to be treated with equal respect as a man. But I don't want to be treated AS a man. Or the same as a man.

My husband was telling me about his sister and nephew. His nephew played volleyball on a traveling team. But in our town, the school does not offer boys volleyball. My sister-in-law told her son to go out for the girls team (which he refused) since so many girls were going out for boys football etc. Also, for the first time in school history, there is a male cheerleader.

It got me thinking about things. I agree that if girls can go out for guys sports, guys should be able to go out for girls sports. However, it creates the physical harm concern in reverse. If a girl goes out for football, they say she'll get hurt. But if a guy goes out for a girl's sport, I'd be concerned that another girl may get hurt. Bottom line? I think that if there is a question of physical injury due to the gender difference, there should be no crossing of sports lines. I don't think girls should be allowed to play football. I don't think boys should be allowed to play girls volleyball. I know there are intramural sports that mix the sexes and I'm all for those. There are guidelines and everyone EVERYONE participating understands the mixture of the sexes and any implications that incurs.

But it goes beyond sports. Those are a choice to participate in. But I'm finding this attitude that women should be treated as men. I simply disagree. I don't want to be treated as though I had a man's strength, a man's mentality, a man's calling. Before my injuries, I used to beat my male friends in arm wrestling. I worked horses and I worked hard work. It made me strong. I wanted recognition for my accomplishments but I never wanted to be treated like a guy.

I think women's lib, or at least some of the things I see presented as women's lib, as a slippery slope. I understand women, oppressed, wanted out of the home and into the work force. But now we are in a time where there is little option but to work - and still struggle despite two incomes. Now we are sending our children off the centers to be cared for during the majority of the day, or we're sending them to an empty home to fend for themselves - for better or for worse. I don't blame people for wanting to open new doors. It's just that opening new doors closes old ones and not everyone wants to go down the same path.

Addendum: I realize this may sound a bit archaic. Also, it may be that what is supposed to be women's lib is not actually what I have a problem with, just the direction some people have taken with it. Frankly, I realize I'm fortunate and beholden to many who stood up for women's liberation. I also want to make it clear that though it may have sounded as though I believe it is wrong for women to join the work force and send their children to daycare, that is absolutely not my belief. Rather that I don't think we have much more of a choice about having a job than we did prior to women's lib.

Gray In The Middle

2006-08-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I went through training to volunteer at a women's shelter. As a part of that training, we met with a group that gathers to discuss racial awareness/equality etc. It consisted of several black people and a couple of whites. Mostly they discuss inequality and predjudices.

At one point, someone asked if times were improved now for today's youth, predjudicially speaking. The answer? No. The lady that spoke up was probably mid 50's and the group (excluding the whites to whom the question was not directed) agreed. I was floored. How could things not be better, as far as prejudism goes, for black youths today as opposed to 30+ years ago?! But they were adament. I would liked to have explored their opinion further but the topic soon strayed. Even now, years later, I'm disturbed by that response. I find it impossible to believe.

I realize that racial slurs, prejudism, and inequality are still prevelant in our society, but how could it possibly be just as bad as it was decades ago. I could argue that seperatism is, if not extinct, than at least certainly far from the norm but I will concede that hostilities could have simply changed it's form rather than gone away. But, I know when I grew up, I didn't even realize some people didn't think it was kosher for me to have my black friends. None of us suffered for being friends with each other. No parents prevented our black friends from spending the night, coming over to play, or any such thing or even tried to interfere with our friendships. In fact, I never thought in terms of black and white at all during my growing years. Despite having friends who were black, I never encountered any reason to consider it. Surely that's an improvment over all those decades ago; that an 8 year old black girl could spend the night with an 8 year old white girl, and vice versa, without anyone burning crosses in the front yard.

The attitude that things are no better today almost makes me angry. Do we have a long ways to go yet? Of course. I'm not saying we live in a racial equal society. But to think that my efforts to teach my children and impress upon others who think otherwise that skin color does not determine a person's worth have been wasted irritates me.

I'm extremely willing to listen if someone can explain this belief to me.

Do It Anyway

2006-06-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

I read this today and found it very meaningful. It is so true, sadly, yet I found it very encouraging to my soul. It also put things into perspective.

People are often unreasonable, Illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, You will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God; It never was between you and them anyway.

Be Blessed,
-- Mother Theresa

Home on the Range

2006-06-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

There's a park in the northern part of central Illinois called Jubilee. We used to ride horses there. I don't know how many thousands of acres are given over for horseback riding but enough that if you went too far without knowing where you were going, you could easily be lost for a couple of days.

I'd dreamed of horses ever since I can remember. My parent's joked that my first word was horse. I didn't get a horse until highschool. Until then, I'd read everything about horses I could get my hands on. I knew the name of every body part. I knew the correct side to mount on, correct sitting position, grooming techniques, you name it I'd studied it. I used to straddle the back of our couch and pretend I was riding. I practiced my technique on the back of a yellow floral loveseat.

Finally, in junior high, my parents found some people who made their living raising, training, and showing horses. They didn't give lessons but agreed to let me come out one day to ride. Ruth took me out and put me on an old, gentle mare. She told me to take some laps with her around the arena at a walk. As she stood by my mom, she exclaimed over my natural ability to sit a horse. I walked that old mare around the arena, heels down, chin up, shoulders back, and back as straight as a lance. Ruth agreed that day to start giving me lessons.

What was supposed to have been 1 to 2 hours of riding lessons turned into a full day by my second lesson. Soon I was moving up to the horses they'd been paid to train. I exercised horses, cleaned stalls and tack, fed and watered and groomed them, and swept up the sizable barn. After spending an entire day from dawn till dusk working with the horses, my mom would come pick me up. I hated leaving, wishing the day would never end.

When I started high school, my dream, actually more than I'd ever dreamed of, came true. My parents sold our home, moved to the country, and bought a horse. I rode every day despite heat, cold, or wet. I lived in the saddle and learned a lot about myself. My horse? She was my dream. Someone's former backyard pet, she'd follow me wherever I went. A beautiful buckskin (yellowish blonde color with black mane and tail) whom I'd named Lady. It was love at first site.

I never got rid of my first horse. Oh, I eventually sold Lady when I went to college and wasn't home enough to ride her. No, my first horse is still at my parent's home. It's been reupholstered, that yellow floral loveseat, but it will never be sold.

Secret Yearning

2006-06-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

My secret desire, asside from untold wealth that is, is to be somebody special. Oh I know, everyone is special yadda yadda yadda. No, I want to be good at something. I want to be a blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do. I want to speak 20 fluent languages. I want to be a marathon runner, a gymnist, a singer.

I've been yearning after my secret desire more than usual lately. I think it goes back to still finding my new self. There are so many things I can no longer do. I haven't found new things that I can do. I miss riding horses. I used to be quite an equestrian. Horses were a passion. Now I doubt I could even mount. I used to play volleyball, raquetball, tennis, hike trails, run the mile. I can no longer do any of those things. Oh how I wish I could. I wish I could do something.....visible. It seems my whole life has faded into the background. So much so that sometimes I feel....almost nonexistant. It sounds crazy, I know. But sometimes I just wish I could do something, be somebody, that people would notice. Even something simple. Even just for a moment. That's my secret.

2006-06-16T22:05:00.001-07:00

All The Only Right Ways

2006-06-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

When I was little I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a mom. I never truly had any career ambitions. I didn't grow up wanting to be a nurse or a teacher or a veterinarian. All through high school, I had no concept of what I wanted to be. I didn't decide on nursing until bare weeks prior to graduation. I never visualized myself being anything. Accept a wife. And then a mom. I wasn't overeager for this to happen. I was married 3 years before our first was born. But I knew it. I'd always known it.

And then it happened. All of a sudden I was a mom. I thought I had it all mapped out. But then when it didn't happen the way I'd foreseen, it was like being in a malestrom. There were 100 ways of doing the same thing and each way claimed to be the best. Not only that, but each way claimed the other ways were wrong. I studied. And I studied. I read parenting magazines, books, and pamphlets. I heard (whether I wanted to or not) advice from almost everyone imaginable. They all said the same thing. The opposite of the other.

If only it had gone the way I planned. But my son was determined to take a different road even before he was born. I was sure though, that love could cure all my woes. Didn't people say that all kids really need is love? Well, it is impossible, impossible, to love another being more than I loved my son. But then....he did something naughty. And I still loved him, loved him as much as I ever had. My family insisted I spank him. But I couldn't do that, right? I loved him. And besides, Oprah said not to spank. Then, he was naughty again. My family insisted I spank him. Experts said don't spank him. Dr. Dobson, the christian author, said take a switch to his legs. Experts said put him in time out. Experts said talk to him on his level. Experts told me how long to put him in time out. Experts told me not to time time outs at all. People told me to do what feels right. I didn't have the experience to know what felt right.

I signed up for this thinking kids just need love and guidance. It sounds so simple. Now, I know kids need love, and lots of it. But I've also learned that that won't fix everything. But somehow, with kids 7 and 5, I still feel like I don't know what it is that does "fix" things. When I decide on a course of action, and decide to be consistent with it (another expert advice), I find that consistency doesn't work. My kids build up tolerance to consistency. Kinda like building up a tolerance to alcohol. Some things work really really well. For a while.

Sometimes I feel like I have failed miserably to be a good parent. While my kids have some excellent redeeming qualities, they can also be naughty. My son can't keep his hands to himself. And I can't seem to correct it. My sister has convinced my parents, and even me much of the time, that I'm just not a good parent. That if she were the parent, she could fix it in a jiffy.

Course, her one son barely talks to her and her other is a drug addict. Go figure.

"Secret" to Feeling Good

2006-06-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

If I could be "known" for something, I think I would want it to be for kindness or generosity. At the same time though, I like not being known for giving. I find great pleasure in giving in secret. There are some things that make me feel really good. I'm sure many women know what I'm talking about, but getting my hair done makes me feel really good. Dressing up and wearing makeup makes me feel really good. Getting my nails done. A petticure. These things make me feel, special somehow. And special feels good.

One time in particular, I remember feeling really bummed. Someone backed out on some plans at the last minute and I was feeling particularly lonely. Second-rate. As I sat in a booth at a restaurant, having my own little pity party, I overheard a foursome at a nearby table "arguing" over who was going to pay the check. On a whim as I checked out at the register, I asked for the tickets for that table, paid the bill, and left. I watched from the window as the waitress addressed the table and explained their bills had been paid. They were all looking at each other a little bewilderedly. It really was a lot of fun. I felt a little covert missiony (my word), something rare in my life. It totally lifted my spirits. I felt like I'd just twirled off the dance floor.

I've found I get a large dose of feeling good doing small things. Letting pedestrians pass in front of me in a busy parking lot. Letting the harried mom with tired, whiney kids go ahead of me in line. Letting people know when they inadvertently cause a hold up that it's Ok, I'll survive it. Entertaining the kid in the adjacent booth so mom can eat her food. Doing things for people who don't know me, who may never see me again just gives me a good feeling. Giving in secret, it's my secret to feeling good.

Redefining Self

2006-06-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

In life we wear many hats. I've worn countless so far. While it's true that I define myself more by the combination of hats I'm wearing than by one hat in particular, I find that there is typically one in particular that stands out among the others and lends more weight to defining who I am at that particular point in time.

Lately it seems that I've been floundering. I find myself dissatisfied but unable to pinpoint what it is exactly that I'm unhappy with. I think perhaps that one of my major hats has been set aside and I've yet to replace it. Things have changed in my life, so much so that I'm not sure I know where I am, or who I am. For so long the name of my hat has been very simple. I was a college student, a nurse, a wife, a mom. Since my surgery, I rarely wear the hat of nurse, though I still consider it part of who I am. I'm still a wife, and, marriage being a constant investment of time and work, I consider it a significant part of who I am, yet I don't think it defines me. I wear the hat of mother most often. Mom is a hat I take great pride in, care of, and is most significant in my life, yet for some reason is not what I think is my defining role. For some it is, and, admittedly, I'm surprised it's not so for me. Perhaps because I don't think I'm very good at it. Parenthood is hard and I struggle a lot. I love my kids so much that being tough on them is almost painful for me.

So what is my main hat? For now I'm not sure. It's something I need to think about.

Homeless

2006-06-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

I did something Sunday that is bothering me. I'd taken my kids on a train trip to Chicago to attend a birthday party. My parents picked us up at the station. On the way to my sister-in-law's, I spotted a Starbucks. Having no Starbucks in my home area and having a huge penchant for mocha frappacino's, we of course, had to make a Starbuck's stop. Sitting at the bistro set in front of the store, was a homeless man. Dirty and unkempt, with worn out layered clothes, he sat slumped over sleeping soundly. My dad, daughter and I passed by to go inside. After getting my grande frappacino and slice of banana bread, we went back out to the car where my mom and son waited. I mentioned the homeless guy and mentioned I'd thought to buy him some breakfast but I hadn't, for mainly one reason. Sitting in front of him on the table in an ashtray was a cigarette. I'd figured if he could afford to buy cigarettes, he could afford to buy food. Now I'm thinking that is a pretty crappy reason for not buying him a slice of banana bread. Could it have really hurt anything that terribly bad?

It used to burn me that people would use their food stamps for food and then pull out their cash to pay for their cigarettes while their children look on. In truth, to some degree, it still does. I understand all the difficulties with quitting smoking.

Maybe that's why I didn't buy him some food because of the cigarette. That irritation with parents for buying cigarettes instead of a book for their child. A judgment to be sure. And judgments are something I try to avoid.

I should have bought the man some food. He wasn't asking for anything. But I knew he had a need. And was something I easily could have done. Besides, if I'd gotten him something, he wouldn't have to ask now would he? Oh I know there are all kinds of reasons not to help people out like that. Valid reasons too, I know, I've had a drug addict in the family so am acquainted with lots of different scenarios where helping isn't helping. I'm also vaguely familiar with the concept of professional beggars. But without knowing a person's particulars, and even sometimes knowing the particulars, there is something in my heart that tells me what is right, for me, to do. And knowing I gave a lame excuse for not helping someone in need really bothers me.

Insight

2006-02-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

LOL, I've just realized the previous 2 posts show precisely why I am a professional fence straddler. It's fairly rare for me to make such a strong stand but when I do, I always have to qualify it with understanding the other side.

Actually, I joke about being a professional fence straddler, but in truth I am glad to be able to see more than one side of an issue. Doesn't mean I'll agree with the other side, but I usually can see or understand their points of view. Doesn't make for a great debater, though I do enjoy stirring up issues.

Addendum

2006-02-20T10:43:00.000-08:00

I feel I need to add a note to my previous post. It's not necessarily that I think poorly of philanthropy. Some great organizations and causes are supported by and depend upon philanthropy. I suppose one could argue that greater good comes from philanthropy than "giving" simply because of the typically large difference in dollars. Course, "greater good" could be debated in such a statement but that is another blog. Philanthropy often works out well for everyone involved, the philanthropist and the receiver. I guess what it comes down to, is I have issue with the two concepts being interchangable. While in some instances, giving and philanthropy may be one and the same, for the vast majority, the two concepts are not the same. Philanthropy is a state of its own, and giving, well, giving has a heart of its own.

Philanthropy vs. "Giving"

2006-02-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

Philanthropy. I don't really care much for that term. I was involved in a conversation a bit ago wherein someone described themselves as a Philanthropist. I can't spell my response. It was more of a sound, something like "eh-he", or a skepitical "uh-huh".

I was playing a game with friends a while back where we had to submit our response to a given question. The one that came up was "If I were to be known to the world, I would like to be known as the world's greatest _____". Several answers came up such as friend, and millionaire (which I thought of myself). My answer was giver. One person then had to guess who had given which response. The guesser stated he thought "Ally" gave the response "giver" because she was "so into philanthropy" and a "philanthropist". My feelings are in no way a reflection on Ally, but I consider the two concepts - giving and philanthropy - worlds apart.

To me, giving is something personal, with attatchments of caring, maybe even sacrifice of some sort, be it money that you don't have in abundance, time, which is valuable. With philanthropy, I think of tax deduction. Or bell ringing/horn tooting ie.."I'm giving to a cause, everyone one notice me giving to a cause now".

Actually, when I look up philanthropy in the wikipedia, it states "By the conventional definition of philanthropy, only a wealthy person can be a philanthropist. Many non-wealthy individuals have dedicated – thus, donated – their lives to charitable causes but are not described as philanthropists". I guess that really states what I mean. Most people, catholic or not, would consider Mother Theresa one of the worlds greatest givers. But probably no one would consider her the worlds greatest philanthropist. The name almost detracts from what she did.

So, if a "giver" is not really a philanthropist, is a philanthropist really a "giver"? In my opinion, no. A philanthropist may give, but is not a "giver". Now, does anybody really care about this? Probably not. It just didn't sit well with me to have what I think of as being a great giver being considered philanthropy and I guess I needed to blog about it.

It's Good To Be Well

2006-02-17T22:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. I was sick for so many days in a row I forgot what it was like to be well. My sinus infection got so bad it was giving me migraines. Plus when I have a fever, I just don't function. Some things I can function through but a fever is not one of them. My kids got sick just as I was getting better. Then I got sick with what they had. One big never ending circle. Today I woke up and I felt HUMAN! What a great feeling the absence of illness is. A little reminder to give a little extra to those who are chronically ill.

Disgusting and Disturbed

2006-02-10T22:31:00.000-08:00

Dateline aired a show earlier in the week and I just haven't been able to get it off my mind. It was about internet predetors. Dateline teamed up with a group called Perverted-Justice to bring awareness to the problem and to help get some pedophiles off the streets.

Perverted-Justice is a group of volunteers who set up profiles portraying themselves as 12 or 13 year old kids, then place themselves in chat rooms where children of this age typically hang out. They then wait (a frighteningly short period of time) to be approached by a pedophile. They engage in conversation with adults stating to be 18 or older who express an interest in conversing with 12 or 13 year olds. They weed out those looking for cyber sex and focus on the ones who actually want to MEET the child for sexual purposes.

When P-J teamed up with Dateline, they went ahead and scheduled a meeting with the pedophiles (who again, think they are meeting a 12 or 13 year old boy or girl). They used a house and told the person they were home alone. When the person showed up, Dateline confronted them in the kitchen and when the person then left, the police were waiting outside. Can you believe that in 3 days, 50 men showed up?!! They'd sent these "kids" nude photos and disgustingliy sexually expicit chats. And 50 is just the number that actually had the nerve to show up. I can't imagine how many they talked to. Also, that is just one area, not 50 from the US population - 50 from the area. One guy was a science teacher, one a rabbi, and one worked for the government in Homeland Security! Some were convicted sex offenders, some where still on probation. Unbelievable!

It was incredibly frightening. I'm glad my kids aren't old enough to be able to chat online. I will share a site though for anyone who reads this whose kids are online. The chat lingo has gotten so advanced that kids can communicate without getting caught up in any safety software a parent may have set up. Ever seen your kid type something about paw or pos? They're telling their fellow chatter that "parents are watching" or "parent over shoulder". This website is a chat lingo dictionary. www.noslang.com It's very interesting.

Anyway, it was quite a disturbing episode. I simply can't do the magnitude of it justice in this blog.

Things I Love About My Spouse

2006-02-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

One thing is for sure. Marriage is work. Truly my husband is a great guy. So why do I sometimes want to throttle him? LOL It is odd that to me that love doesn't take care of itself. I guess something so potentially powerful shouldn't be so easy to maintain. One thing that I think puts strains on love is taking things for granted. So this is my Valentine to my husband. I shall take a moment to appreciate some of the things I normally take for granted about my husband.

1. Loyal. My husband is very loyal. Both to me and our children. While sometimes he slips, he generally keeps us in the forefront of his mind.

2. Faithful. I sincerely believe my husband to be faithful to me. Not only that, but I don't worry about this when he goes out without me.

3. He takes his turn helping with the kids. If I were to ask him to wash the kids' hair, he would do it. He is a full parenting partner.

4. He lets me go out. Sometimes my friend will want to meet for dinner. I can drop all family dinner plans and go. He'll take care of things at home. I'm careful not to exploit this.

5. He helps take care of me when I need it. He's even washed my hair when pain kept me from doing it. He's tied my shoes. Put's on my socks. Drops me off at the door when we go somewhere.

6. He helps with chores when I ask.

7. He is generous.

8. He does things he doesn't want to do because I want to do them.

This really barely scratches the surface. We have our troubles but in truth he is more than I could have ever asked for. It's good sometimes to remember that.

What Type Of Soul Are You?

2006-02-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Like A Bad Egg....

2006-02-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

....I just keep turning up. It's been a long time. The holiday's just obliterated my free time. But alas, I am back. And I am ready to blog. Thanks to all who checked after me during my absence.

So today is Super Bowl Sunday in the States. I'm not much into football. Pro at least that is. I pretty much root for the team with the colors that I like or the underdogs or something of the like. I also root for the team playing against someone who's mascot I don't like.

Our city high school has a terrible mascot. They are the Blue Devils. The high school I grew up in was the Tigers. I loved being a Tiger. We had tiger paws on our faces, streets leading to the school, purses with tiger paws stitched on them, tiger print pillows and blankets, all kinds of stuff. What am I supposed to do with a devil? Carry a purse with pitchforks stitched on it? A blanket displaying the pits of hell? There is nothing cute or inspiring about a devil. From a Christian point of view, does it really make that much of a difference that the devil is blue? I just can't find any pride in being a devil. The symbol they use to depict the blue devil is a demonic/satanic face. I just can't get into it. I'd much rather be an animal of some sort. Like a mustang. Or lions. Something. Something I can root for.

Well, that's my rip for the day. Now I have some blogs to catch up on!

The Nose Knows

2005-10-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

Ahhh. Nothing like family trials. We're having some difficulties with my nephew - the one who is supposed to be in recovery from Meth addiction. Well, he is living with my parents for a while to get back on his feet. We agreed after he left treatment and couldn't make it on his own elsewhere, that he could live there for a while provided he agree to a whole list of rules. The rules all centered around him staying clean and focusing on treatment. Well, my parents (who were in denial about his drug use almost until we had him standing at the treatment center doors) didn't hold to the rules and they've all been tossed out the window. The rules that is. :<)

Anyway, god love 'em, mom and dad are classic enablers. They just want everything to be Ok and can't understand that you can't treat addicts the same way you would anyone else. Dad just wants my nephew alive and safe and feels comforted by being able to see him everyday and knowing he's not living on the streets. While you may think that's not such a terrible thing, any support you give someone who is using drugs helps support their habit and delays their reaching a point of desperation enough to seek treatment. It's a difficult way of thinking but one that is counseled to families of addicts. *I'm not speaking of recovered/recovering addicts BTW*

To make a super long story only moderately long, my nephew is supposed to be clean. My parents just sat down with him a few days ago and came up with the "revised" rules. One of them, of course, is he has to be clean to live there. We visited today and while most of us were at my sisters, my nephew hadn't arrived yet. My husband was still at my folks cause he was going hunting with someone. He went back inside to go to the bathroom before he left. Well, when he went in the bathroom he noticed the bathroom window was open (it's like 40 some degrees here) and he smelled pot. There's only one person left in the house and that person happens to be an addict. You do the math.

So I pick my husband up after hunting and as we are headed back to where we live, he tells me this. (My husband, though he didn't do drugs, grew up around them, was constantly exposed to them, and knows quite a bit about them. He definitely knows what marijuana smells like) So I call my mom and tell her. Her response? "Well, we asked him (nephew) the other night if he was doing drugs and he said no". My response "Well gee, ya think he mighta been LYING?". We asked when he was using Meth if he was involved in drugs and he said no. Do you really expect him to say yes? Anyway, her and dad asked him if he'd smoked pot in the bathroom and he denied it. (Shocking, yes, I know) So mom and dad decided to do nothing. I'm having a wee bit of difficulty comprehending that. I'm sure their thought is that he denied it and they don't have proof. I KNOW that is what they are telling themselves. Myself, I say my husband smelling it is proof. What else do you need? He's not gonna pull out his pipe right in front of them! I asked my husband if he was sure. He said "I may not know a lot of things but I know pot when I smell it. Yes, I'm sure". My husband really has no desire to be involved in any of this but he said, ya know, our kids play over there, visit, spend the night. That can't happen if there're drugs in the house.

I guess I'll see if more developes tomorrow. All this has about put my dad over the edge as it is. He struggled horribly with my brother's death. Then when my nephew got into drugs, well, it's been almost more than he could handle. He's never, never been one not to face the truth, not to handle a problem head on. But all this has been too much for him. Right now I wouldn't be surprised if he thought the marijuana fairy flew in and smoking that pot in the bathroom. Damn fairies.

Poor Puppy

2005-10-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

We have been dogsitting. For almost a year. Thanksgiving will mark the anniversary of dogsitting my nephew's pooch. My nephew went off the edge after my brother died and got into drugs. We did a drug intervention with him last Thanksgiving and put him on a plane to rehab. I voluteered to dogsit one of his two dogs.

Truly, this has to be the best mannered dog I've ever encountered. She is a Rotw+@# mix (I don't know how to spell it and am too lazy to google). I've never been much on dog breeds with a ferocious connotation. This dog however, doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I know. We just had her x-rayed. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Abby is ultra submissive. My two children have applied every tolerance test imaginable - and they've got good imaginations. She never does more than look pathetic. She rarely will even get up and leave.

Since she is not mine, and I had every intention of her returning to her rightful owner, I set out to enjoy her, but not become attatched. Every month I reminded everyone that she is not mine. Abby did not share my sentiments. She glued herself to me from the beginning. She follows me from room to room, sometimes so closely she walks on the back of my heels. She waits outside the bathroom door while I take a bath. She thinks, though she weighs 50+ lbs, that she is a lap dog. And she has declared my lap as hers. I remind myself often that she poops in my back yard, sheds on my furniture, and has to be made arrangements for if we go somewhere. She is not mine.

Two nights ago, it came to me that I think, perhaps, she is too ingrained in my life and heart to be removed. For some strange reason, I am the only one for whom this was a revelation.

In the morning, I treated her to a ride as I took my son to school. She was so excited. After we got back, I noticed she wasn't acting quite right. Abby is a dog of comfort. She won't lay on the floor if there is a perfectly good couch available. She won't lay on a couch if there is a perfectly good bed available. I noticed that she wasn't on the most comfortable furniture nearest me. She was on the floor at my feet. I got on the bed and called her up. She acted like she wanted to come sooo bad, but didn't. Finally she jumped up with a yipe in midair then came over to me whimpering and crying.

Admittedly, I've thought that people who spend a lot of money on their pets taking them to the vet were crazy. I couldn't drive there fast enough. One vet visit, two x-rays, and a whole lotta cash later (thanks mom), we think that she has disk problems in her back. She's on Prednisone. The vet said it will either help her, or she will continue to deteriorate and have to have surgery or be put down. I can't afford to fill my tank all the way up with gas, how could I afford surgery for a dog? But put the best dog in the world down? I just got her!

Scenario Spotlight

2005-10-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

Got a scenario for ya. You know how it goes..."Someone has a friend of someone who...".

So here it is. Two part question.

B has a daughter(Allie) who, as girls sometimes do, has a diary. B has always respected Allie's privacy. Lately though, Allie has become distant and had behavior changes. B suspectes something is up in Allie's life and has had clues of some pretty disturbing stuff but Allie won't confide in B. B has access to Allie's diary. Question 1) Does B look through Allie's diary for evidence of something serious going on?

Part two. Assume B decided to read through the diary for key words and found talk of drug and alcohol use and illusions to sex. What does B do now with this "evidence"? Allie has gotten in trouble for alcohol in the past but the drugs is a new and very frightening development. And B couldn't derive enough to know if it was just talk or actual use. What say you?

This And That

2005-10-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd put out a bit of this and that, some websites I enjoy or think might be of use.

A site to look for convicted sex offenders: http://www.familywatchdog.us/Search.asp I just visited this site today so I'm new to it too.

I spend too much time on this game site: www.billsgames.com I particularly like the wordscram. It's addicting.

A must have on every "favorites" listing is www.imdb.com This site has everything you want to know about movies and tv shows, including tons of stuff about the actors, trivia about the show, and goofs. I challenge you if you've never been to this site to go there now and enter your favorite movie. If you don't love this site when you're done, I'll eat a cyber hat.

I had blogged about this site before, www.wheresgeorge.com You enter the seriel number on a dollar (or other) bill. You can see where it has been before you. Even better, take the bill out and spend it and watch it travel from place to place.

Of course, the ones I have linked on my page are worth a visit. www.pancan.org is the website of the nonprofit org that is working to fight pancreatic cancer. www.iusedtobelieve.com is a cute little site where people have entered tidbits about things they used to believe to be true when they were little.

Enjoy surfers!

Wahoo! Dun Da Dun

2005-10-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

Yipee! I have finished my first dishcloth. (And you thought it was going to be something exciting, didn't you) Well, I was excited anyway. I am now on dishcloth #2, a basketweave pattern that involves a new type of stitch and a lot of stitch counting. After this, I can progress to the project of my choice which will probably be a scarf for my sister for Christmas. My family will then be able to sigh a collective groan that I am now a knitter and giving my creations to unsuspecting victims.

I talked to my dad tonight and told him of my plans. I didn't want him to feel left out so I offered to knit him a pair of overalls for Christmas '06. Believe me, if it weren't so much work and a pattern actually existed, I would do it. That would be right up the alley of my sense of humor. If there is enough time, I will knit each of my immediate family members a washcloth. The looks on their faces would be worth all the time - "Oh......gee......thanks sonson (insert forced smile here)" And plus, they would actually be useful too.

I am actually liking the knitting though. I want to be able to teach my daughter when she is old enough. I want to have some kind of skill to pass on to her. Originally I thought I would pass on my knowledge of horses and horseback riding. Since my surgery though, I don't think I'll be able to do that kind of stuff again. I could teach her of course, but it would never be something she saw me doing and enjoying. It would just be something I taught her. I guess that's better than nothing. Although, I can't really imagine having a horse unless I were caring for it, training it, etc. That's kind of an extravagant object to have just to teach my daughter how to do. Well, we'll see how the future pans out for that.

"Terrible" Book Series

2005-10-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

My sister started me on a book series. She assured me they were the greatest books ever.

The first book made me angry. I was really mad at the message I thought the author was sending. The second book placated my anger and was interesting. The third book caught my interest and was intriguing reading. The forth book, which I just finished moments ago, was nothing short of horrendous.

I cried through 95 or more percent of the book. And that is NO exaggeration. Horrible events and I can't believe my sister gave it to me to read. Parts of it I not only cried through, but sobbed terribly. It was torture. I wanted to put it down and not read another page 50 pages into it. That, however, is completely impossible for me. It goes against the grain. In addition, I am waiting for book5. My sister had told me book 4 was sooo good and "the best". Since she thinks 4 is the best, I can only hope 5 will not be as torturous.

If you want to torture yourself with some christian fiction, the series is by Karen Kingsbery and Gary Smalley. Return, Rejoice, Remember, and some other one. I don't recommend them unless you are perhaps more emotionally stable than myself or enjoy emotional rollercoaster rides. For some that would swear you away from them. For others, that would be the highest recommendation I can give. They definitely get to your gut.

2005-10-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Find the man. A fun little search I got via email.

This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you
find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him
immediately?

Just For Giggles

2005-10-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

I get a daily post that includes funny stories from one of my favorite magazines. Thought I'd share some of them with you.

HIGH-SCHOOL sweethearts, my wife and I were soon married and spent the next 27 years raising a family. After our grown children moved out of the house, we experienced an unaccustomed freedom. One morning, when we came home at four, I asked Shirley, "Do you remember the last time we stayed out this late?" "I think so," she said. "We both got grounded for a month."--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Peter Schumacher

WHEN MY FRIEND got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them. The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked grimly. --Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Pat Montgomery

A MAN BROUGHT HIS LITTLE GIRL to the hospital emergency room where my daughter works. As is often the case in emergency rooms, he had to wait. After a while, he approached a woman at the nurses' station and asked her how much longer it would be until a doctor looked at his daughter. The woman explained that she was just about to examine the child. There was a stunned silence. Then the man asked, "Are you the doctor?" "Yes," she replied. "Are you the child's mother?"--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Norma C. Brooks

Forgot To Add

2005-10-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention on my previous post, the woman who is pregnant and planning to name her child - if it's a boy - after my brother, well, her due date is April 27th. My brother's birthday.

A True Honor

2005-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Someone my brother had worked with, and whom he and his wife became very good friends with, we've just found out is pregnant. My brother had requested her to be an honorary pall bearer at his funeral. They had all become very close friends. She had recently married though my brother didn't live to see her wedding. Anyway, she is pregnant and she announced that if their child is a boy, they intend to name him after my brother. What an honor that she would name him after my brother. I know she took his death very hard. I don't know if her husband knew my brother or not. I am so touched that they would do that. I tried to send her a note of thanks, which I did, but it was very simple. I simply couldn't put into words what I felt in my heart. Our family name died out with my brother's death. But now, if the child is a boy, there will be a namesake of him out in the world. Maybe it's the grief that makes that seem so profound, but I really feel it deeply. What an incredible thing for someone to do.

Sock Sanity

2005-10-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, there's a big reason, besides the obvious ice and cold, that I don't like winter. Socks. My kids have to wear shoes with socks. It seems, no matter how many socks they have, I'm always running out. For some reason, socks have some kind of blocking agent on them that prevents them from making it to the dirty laundry. Sometimes I end up with a full load's worth of clean socks with no mate.

My kids take their shoes and socks off after they get home from school. Not when they get home from school - that would be too easy and supervisable - just sometime after. They're never ready to take them off when they come in the door for various reasons. Their feet are cold. They want to go back outside after a snack. They want to drive me crazy. Whatever the reason they wait till later. Initially I made them put their socks in the dirty laundry as soon as they took them off. Well, in the few events that that actually happened, they then decided to go outside and grabbed new socks to put on, thus they have fewer clean socks in their drawers.

I'm trying a new tactic. Socks go immediately in the shoes when you take them off. I can only hope it will help.

Last night I folded laundry, including socks. This morning I go to get my son's socks. His sock drawer is empty. Completely empty. Come to find out - precious get ready for school minutes later, my son decided to add his socks to his shorts drawer. No wonder I love sandals.

Five...A Fine, Fine Age

2005-10-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my little girl who turned five yesterday. My how time flies by! She had a skating party yesterday and had lots of fun. She LOVES Disney Princesses so she had a Cinderella cupcake cake shaped in Cinderella's carriage. She thinks herself quite the big girl now. We got her a dress from Chinatown in Chicago which she loves. My sister drove up for her party and my sister-in-law came down with her daughter from Chicago.

I have no idea what I did at five years old. I don't have many early childhood memories. I hope to create memories for my daughter to look back on and smile.

Old Dog, New Tricks

2005-10-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I am learning something new. I am learning how to knit. I've wanted to learn for some time and finally took the plunge. It is not as easy as I had thought. I'm getting better with practice, but it's not the mindless activity I'd imagined either. At least not yet. It is kinda fun.

I'd imagined a picture of a mother sitting outside in a chair knitting a sweater, smiling pleasantly while her children play happily in the sunshine. Reality check. Last night I met with a knitting group. One of the ladies was knitting a sweater. It looked remarkedly hard and she was in a dither over a potential mistake that would require ripping out hours of work.

Ah well, I'm looking forward to learning a new skill. I'll let you know how my dishcloth turns out.

Pancreatic Cancer Awareness

2005-10-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

Next month (November) is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. November 8th will mark the 2nd anniversary of my brothers death. This year he would have been 40. His daughter has just turned 4. I find myself wondering what he would have been doing had he lived. He had always been a career oriented man. In the year after his daughter's birth, while he was still undiagnosed, he had begun to make the shift towards being more family oriented. He was a businessman who'd strove to lead the pack in the big time business world. I think the birth of his daughter opened his mind to a whole new world of thinking. He'd begun discussing moving closer to his family so his daughter would have the opportunity to grow up near family. This would have been a major change as he would have gone from the "big times" of Dallas career world to the back roads of the midwest. Quite a consensus for him. In a way, though he was 38, he'd only begun to live. He'd just gotten a glimpse of a whole new way of life.

Still to this day, almost 2 years later, the thought that my brother is dead is coated by some sort of protective film that prevents it from fully penetrating my brain. Some part of me still seems to function on thought that he is still in Dallas, alive and well, just like always.

Shortly after he died, I went through a sort of panic thoughts for my children. I was afraid that we'd made a big mistake only having 2 children. If something happened to one of them, the other would be all alone. I thought we should have had some kind of an "insurance" child. I worried over lots of things then.

Now it's hard to imagine not being involved in PanCAN. I know had this not happened to my brother, I never would have gotten involved. Not that I prefer things this way. It's just odd to think of the different paths in life. I'm glad, extremely glad, that I've gone somewhere in response to his death. I can't say it's given meaning to his death, his will always be a senseless death to me, but it's given me focus in dealing with his death.

I'm sure next month I'll ask you to indulge me in reading some facts about pancreatic cancer. But every opportunity to share is a stab at my brother's killer. And that, well, kinda feels good.

Body Removal Climax

2005-10-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

The big build up of the story was a 34 year old man who'd carried his fetal twin in his abdomen all his life. His stomach was enormously distended. They couldn't figure out what was in his abdomen and did and exploratory. When the guy went in he weighed over 125 pounds. When the fetus and mushed tissue was removed he weighed 88 pounds. Gross, huh?

Body Removal

2005-10-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna gross you all out (well, maybe a small part of me does) but you will not believe what I am watching on TV. The Learning Channel has on a program entitled "Things removed from the human body". And they are not talking about natural body organs as I originally thought. They are talking about things people have swallowed - or inserted (Yikes!!) into their body, along with accidental paraphenalia. They had one guy who had a stop sign that went through his abdoment, a javelin that went through someone's face, and a rebar that went through someone's head. Now is a story of a guy who had a frog gig, like a pitchfork go through his face and out his eye socket. They've talked about things people have swallowed, like 200 nails, a key, a spoon, razor blade etc. Also things inserted in the rectum: jelly jar, bicycle pump, and a diamond necklace worth $125,000. Scariest of all is that the worst is yet to come.

2005-10-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

I got this quiz from a link from Nick.

Waterfall

?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by here.

I thought parts of it were accurate. My beauty is definitely hidden. :<)

Petty, Churlish, & All That Good Stuff

2005-10-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

How do you take up an issue that makes you sound churlish and petty but yet is still a valid point? I hate being stuck in those situations. No matter how I go about it, it makes me look like I've been bit by the green eyed monster.

Imagine if I gave my son $100 and my daughter $10 as a gift. I gave my son the $100 because he is older and will be going to college before my daughter and he's able to help me out around the house more. Now, be my daughter and try to complain about it. If you found a way to do it without sounding petty or jealous, let me know. Or if you think she shouldn't complain, I'd like to hear about that too.

Black Cloud

2005-09-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

What is that cartoon where wherever the character goes, a black cloud follows, hovering above him?

It seems I've had a black cloud following me lately. We've had an uncanny amount of bad luck lately. Everything we own seems to have conspired against us. Where to begin...

Our pool liner has decided it's endured enough and has pulled away from the side of the pool in addition to springing some undetectable leaks. Replacing it will cost a couple grand or better. The van starts acting up requiring a new $350 part called a "multi-function switch". For that much money, you'd think it would have a cooler name. My hard drive dies, costing a little over 100 bucks to be replaced, not to mention tons of frustration. We go out of town for our 10 year anniversary to get away from it all. As soon as we cross the state line, the brakes start sounding like they're going thru a meat grinder. My husband is capable of changing the brake pads and rotars but we are a long way from home and he doesn't have his tools. Having someone else do it cost us twice as much - about $185. Once back at home, I flip the switch to the ceiling fan. Nothing happens. That will have to be fixed. I flip the switch to the garbage disposal. Nothing happens. The motor is bad so that will have to be replaced. I turn on the TV. The picture tube is going out. The lights on the van are doing something funky so that will have to be checked out. And to top it all off, our roof has to be replaced.

At some point, all of these things happening ceased to surprise me. Mostly, they've been met with disbelief. Is it possible for all this to happen at the same time? I keep waiting for someone to jump out and say "Surprise! You're on candid camera!"

We'd promised our daughter she could have a skating party for her 5th birthday. It's coming up in about a week and I've no idea how we are going to pay for it. All these expenses have thrown us for a major loop!

Anyway, I'm hoping for a good stiff breeze to blow this black cloud away. I've never experienced something so prolonged like this. But it can't last forever, right? Even the bad luck cartoon character eventually see's the sun.

Goodbye, Grasshopper

2005-09-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

Last evening was the night of release for my 4 year old daughter's (at the moment) dearest pet, Grasshopper. It was a sad and momentous occasion. At least in the eyes of my daughter. It was a lesson for her in doing something you don't want to do for the betterment of someone else. Let me start at the beginning.

3 days ago, my daughter comes in the house proudly displaying in her bug container a rather large grasshopper. In case you've forgotten or didn't read my phobia blog, I am terrified of bugs. And grasshoppers, which can jump and land in your hair, definitely fall into the category of bugs. I've managed to pass on my fear to my daughter to some degree so I'm mildly surprised that she caught a bug in the first place. Not wanting to add to the fear of bugs in my daughter, and given that this bug is securely contained in a bona fide bug container, I calmly fake interest in her captive.

Then she states her intentions to keep it.

As a pet.

A bug pet.

Ok. Deep breath. Bug pet. In my house. Deep breath.

I check the security of the bug container and tell her she can keep it for a while to show her friends. Delight lights up her face and with a big grin she informs he his name is Grasshopper. Original.

The next day I tell her that she should release Grasshopper so he doesn't die. She looks at me like I've grown an extra head. "He won't die" she informs me. She carries Grasshopper with her everywhere. She introduces him to her friends, who I'm sure are envious and who's mothers, I am equally sure, are not.

Last evening, my husband backs me up to explain to my 4 year old that if not released, Grasshopper will surely die. My daughter does not want to let him go, but neither does she want him to die. Decision made, she walks out into the back yard and releases her pet. She comes back in with tears streaking down her face, mourning her loss. It's a difficult lesson. As the sun goes down we talk about how happy Grasshopper is right now to be free. My daughter thinks his family is probably happy to see him. I give her a big hug and we go inside.

Verify This

2005-09-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

I must have missed something while my pc was on the blink. When I leave comments now, on many sites I have to type in a word verification. What's up with that. Was there a problem of spam comments or something? I don't even know if my comment thing does it or not. Do you request it or is it automatic or what? I don't get it.

New Neighbors

2005-09-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we have new neighbors moving in across the street. I've briefly met the mom, though she was busy doing home improvements and wasn't inclined to talk at the time. The family has 2 children, a 7yr old and a 13yr old. I thought about taking them a welcoming gift but I don't know what to give. In the past I've taken a small pot of violets but they are out of season now so I couldn't get any. I don't really want to take any kind of food. Any idea's?

I'm hoping they will be good neighbors. We lost a couple of nice families over the last several years and it's really changed the dynamics of the neighborhood. The one family was replaced by the cat hating older woman who has never married and doesn't seem to care much for kids, or particularly a wide variety of people for that matter. The other family was replaced by a young couple but they keep to themselves and don't socialize or interact with the other neighbors. They are about to have a baby though and I'm hoping that will change things a bit. A friendly neighborhood can be a real blessing.

PC Problems

2005-09-19T20:07:00.000-07:00

I hate it when computers don't work. I have temporary service but will lose it again soon. I hope to be completely back up and gliche free next week.

Thanks to my friend who is so graciously fixing my pc following the crash of my hard drive.

I hope to back to full time blogging next week. I've missed you all!!!

About The Man

2005-09-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've decided that my husband is much like everyone else, with both good traits and bad. Since I've already addressed the bad, it's time to visit the good.

My husband is the ultimate of indulgent. In a good way that is. At least for me. I have two small children who definitely require supervision at all times. Yet I can go virtually anywhere, at virtually any time, for virtually any length of time, that I want. I am nearly completely unhindered when I want to go out. I can skip off with my girlfriend at a moments notice almost anytime. I can go for a weekend girls outing with my family without a word of complaint. I've gone on a week long trip with a friend out of state to visit another friend. Rarely does he bat an eye. What's more, he occasionally encourages me to do something I want, to go to dinner with a friend, to stay an extra day with my family. I'm well aware that this is a great privilege and very careful not to take advantage of it. Well, maybe not very careful, but careful anyway. Most times I'm home with my husband and kids but when the need or opportunity arises, I know he's Ok with it, if not encouraging. He's the man.

Course, sometimes he encourages me to go with a friend because he's dead scared that I'll want him to come instead. And let's just say a shopping excursion to the mall just ain't his thang.

My husband, he is not afraid. He is not afraid to go anywhere at any time. He can be bold as brass and up for anything. Not that I'm a wild thing or anything, but sometimes no restraint is a good thing to have around. He climbs up in a 3 story kids play gym with the kids without blinking an eye.

If you need a social butterfly for anything, my husband is king. The man does not know a stranger and if you so much as glance his way, you are now a friend. Even more than that, he does not catagorize people. He has an amazing ability to see all people on an even playing field. I know many of us attempt this, and many succeed to a great degree, but my husband? It doesn't even enter his mind. Been to prison? He doesn't care. It's all about who you are now. ALL about who you are now. Make six figures? He'll sit you right by his prison friend at the table never thinking you might not be friends. I LOVE that about him. He's the ultimate unsnob. Now don't get me wrong, he's not completely stupid about this. He knows not all people are on the up and up, moral, or good people to hang out with. The thing is, he has absolutely no concept of judging people according to their money or lack thereof. He has no concept of judging people based on their past, no matter how horrendous. He's one of a kind and I've learned a lot from him.

All said and done, my husband is a pretty good guy. He trusts me implicitly. He's never jealous of me being around other men. I know I can dance with someone, eat with someone, catch a ride with someone without him getting jealous or suspicious. We host college boys in the summer. I've gone out with them to a nightclub and come home in the wee hours. (well, I did once anyway). All he wanted to know was if we had a good time. He knows I would not betray him. I've heard people say "I know my husband loves me because he's so jealous of me being around other men". I'm the opposite. I know my husband loves me because he trusts me to be around other men. To me, love and trust go hand in hand. As the good book says, "Love is not jealous....". Admittedly, when I've danced with other men, he's been with me. But if I thought a man had serious designs on me, I wouldn't dance with him. My husband knows that. In fact, I'd avoid that person like the plague. It'd be stupid to wallow in temptation.

Not only does my husband trust me implicitly, but I trust him also. He's a trustworthy guy. He dances with other girls, hugs them, talks to them etc. I don't feel jealousy because well, I dunno, I just don't feel the need. These are all the activities of a friend. I don't think either of us would be willing to give up what we have. It's nice to have trust. And as I told my husband, why would I want to start all over with someone else when I just about have you trained? :<)

Soon to reappear

2005-08-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence. My hard drive bit the dust. I am even now using a pc at the public library. My time is about up on it so I'll have to make this short. I hope to be back online sometime next week. Meantime, it's blogger withdrawl!

Scrapbooks and Snakes

2005-08-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

At long last I have completed the scrapbooks I have been making for our baseball players. I made each of them a scrapbook of their summer here. I think they liked them. It takes me forever to do scrapbooks. I spend about an hour on each page. A large portion of that time goes to just staring at the blank page trying to think of something to do.

On to more interesting topics. The new snake. She is doing well and the kids love her. I decided to respond to the comments about her in a blog. While she isn't furry, she is cuddly in her own way. She wraps herself about you and you can tell she is enjoying herself. I know if you don't like snakes, her wrapping herself around you wouldn't necessarily sound appealing. But, if you like, or at least don't mind snakes, it's kind of a neat experience. Sheba likes to wrap herself around your arm or neck.

Our snake eats mice. Live mice. I didn't realize she ate live mice before we got her. It's a bit of a disturbing thought, putting a live animal in with another animal knowing the one will kill and eat the other. I wouldn't want a mouse as a pet, but some of them are rather cute. I gave the permission for the snake by the way, because it has no hair/fur and thus I likely wouldn't be allergic to it and I don't think it would stink as bad if at all.

Happily, this type of snake does not bite at all. It has about 80 teeth, all of which are fine as hair. That was a definite snake owning requirement. I'll have to take a picture of her and put it on here.

Our snake had a sister at the place where we got her and we went today and bought the sister for my nephew for his birthday. (With his mom's permission of course).

Next feeding date is Thursday. I'm going to tell my husband to pick out an ugly mouse to feed it.

New Addition

2005-08-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

Wow. Been a while since I've posted. Amazing how crazy things can get in a short period of time. The summer baseball season is winding down. We made the playoffs though so have at least till the first part of next week. Also, my son is turning 7. Unbelievable. We had his birthday party today. Even though we have a pool, he wanted to have his party at the public pool. Had more kids show up than I had expected but all went well.

Well, for the new addition. We now have a new arrival to our family as a result of my son's birthday. My husband and his sister picked out a snake for a birthday gift. Actually, I don't really mind snakes. I definitely feel comfortable around home raised snakes, ones that don't bite that is. It's an albino corn snake, white base with orange markings. It's actually quite pretty. I think we have settled on the name Sheba. My son is pretty excited over his snake. I don't think he really thought he'd get one so he was fairly surprised.

My side of the family isn't very thrilled with it though, but I kinda expected that. They're fairly conventional and stick pretty close to conventional norms. I'm not a wild person myself but I don't mind sticking my toe across the line from time to time. But that's another topic for another day.

Any snake stories out there?

Where's George

2005-07-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't tried this site yet but thought it looked intersting. If you have kids of an appropriate age I think it would be neat for them. The site lets you track bills (money that is). You put in the serial number and denomination and you can watch the bill wherever it goes.

There is also a site for Canadian money. Have fun!

If You Can't Stand The Heat

2005-07-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today was sweltering. We reached 103 today. I don't know what the humidity was but it was high. We were under extreme heat warnings. Even so, I spent the afternoon sitting out in the heat selling 50/50 tickets at the ballgame. They ended up calling the game early due to the heat.

I remember in Texas when it got over 100, it really didn't seem much different from 99. Hot was hot. But we still went out and did things. It was hot but the heat was different somehow. I guess it's the humidity, that's what they say anyway. Well, I ended up getting a headache from the heat. It is finally gone but it took a couple of hours of rest to get rid of it.

Thankfully, it's supposed to start cooling down this week. What's it been like in your neck of the woods?

All Is Well

2005-07-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

My husband came through his surgery with flying colors. Everything went really well. The surgery itself went really quick, like 15 minutes. I wasn't expecting it to go so fast. But he's done, he's home, and minimal pain controlled by his pain meds.

I had kinda expected him to milk it a little but no, he's being Mr. Independant, seeing how much he can do for himself by himself. But, I was careful to give him at least a little bit of pampering since he has been so good to go through so much with me.

Just wait 3 weeks and then it's on to hand #2.

Too Much Just Ain't Enough

2005-07-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

I lament frequently that my kids don't appreciate what they have. They are happy in the moment of receiving something but they don't really appreciate having stuff. My son really wanted a pair of sunglasses (he's 6). They were really cute and on sale so I bought them. He was reasonably pleased and wore them throughout the day. Today? He has no idea where they are. It's the story of my kids' lives. My daughter loves barbies (she's 4). But take care of them? Ha. One of her favorite things is the barbie shoes. And of course these are the most difficult items to keep track of as they always fall off. The result is scattered and mismatched barbie shoes. I've tried buying special containers for the shoes but no success. In fact, usually the container itself gets lost. And if it were found, most likely, it would be empty. *sigh*

My kids just have too much stuff. Even after doing a major overhaul and decreasing their stuff drastically they have too much. Admittedly, I started the problem. There was always so much cool, fun stuff to get them for their birthdays. I imagined how much they would learn from all the innovative educational toys. I imagined expanding their creativity, honing their fine motor skills, opening the doors of their imaginations. In short, I went overboard. Don't get me wrong, we created, we honed, we opened. And now, we disregard. Everything is great - at first. Then it is just stuff.

Birthday's are just around the corner. I've bought my son one toy item and suggested one game to my sister as a possible gift. Even so, the problem remains and I've no idea how to rectify it. I've tried taking toys away both permenantly and temporarily. They know that some kids don't have things. We've bought things to give to others who don't have. But I don't think they really understand what it is to not have. Maybe it's too large a concept for their age without having to live it. How do you teach kids to appreciate what they have?

Under The Knife

2005-07-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Well, my husband will soon go under the knife. He has surgery scheduled for Friday for Carpal Tunnel surgery. They are going to do one hand then wait 3 weeks and do the other. This will be his first surgery. When it first came about that he was going to need surgery, he was pretty nervous. I think he's more calm now. It's hard to imagine he's not had any kind of surgery or anything. It seems to be such a regular thing for me that it took me a minute to realize that he hasn't any idea what surgery is like. Granted, it's a minor surgery, and I'm thankful for that, but it'll still be the first time he's been put under. Guess he'll be off for several weeks afterwards. He works hard labor with his hands so he can't exactly go right back to work.

Gosh, his first surgery. I've had like, hmmm, let's see, five I think. The most routine of which was gallbladder. The worst was of course my 2nd back surgery when I had 3 vertabrae fused. Although I must admit, my C-section was a close 2nd on misery. Probably cause I had pushed for hours first, they used too much anesthetic and I had trouble waking up, I couldn't have an epideral for local pain, and on top of it all, I was a first time mom supposed to take care of an infant on my own within a couple of days. I'd hardly gotten truly awake from too much anesthetic before I was even sent home! But the back surgery definitely tops the list.

Gallbladder was the easiest. My husbands surgery should be a little easier than a gallbladder surgery so he should come home Ok. Oh but I can hear him now. He's gonna think he knows all there is about experiencing surgery. Hehe, when my brother in law had his appendix out, he thought he'd experienced pain worse than childbirth. LOL, my sister in law had just had their baby about 2 months prior. Boy did she fill him in.

Sometimes though I wish we really could walk in other people's shoes just for an experience. I think people would be so much more understanding of each other.

Anyway, I don't know whether to ask for prayers for my husbands surgery, or for me for the weeks he's going to be home afterwards. :<)

Solo

2005-07-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

My sister doesn't understand me. I enjoy doing things alone. That is something beyond her comprehension. I love to take a book and go out to eat all by myself. I get to enjoy my meal, read a book, and all in peace. No food to cut up, no whining kids, no trading meals cause the kids want what I have once they see it. To me, it's a little piece of heaven. My sister thinks eating out by myself makes me look like I have no family, no man in my life, and no friends. My best friend tends to agree with her. That's what my sister thinks when she see's someone eating by themselves. I never think that. In fact, I guess I don't think much about it at all.

I also go to movies alone. My husband just doesn't care that much for them. He likes watching movies at home but the theatre doesn't hold much interest for him. He used to fall asleep during movies at the theater (when his sleep apnea was bad). So for the most part, I go by myself. I don't really mind. In fact, it doesn't bother me in the least. Something else my sister wouldn't understand.

Sometimes I'll go out in the evening just to be alone for a while. Usually I'll go get groceries or something but sometimes I just go for a drive or sit out at the park and read or watch people. There is a part of me that just needs occasional alone time. It's odd because sometimes I feel like I never get a chance to be around other grown ups since I stay home with the kids. Sometimes I'm sick of being alone. But that is infrequent.

I treasure my alone time. Often, I need it. I enjoy other people, I like being social. I just also like to go out, have a nice quiet meal all by myself, just me and my book. I wonder though, how typical it is for people to form an opinion about me based on my eating out alone or going to the movie alone.

Fantastic

2005-07-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Went and saw the Fantastic Four. It wasn't too bad. Better than I had anticipated for a kidish type show. Took my kids and my sister in laws two kids. I can't believe how much movies cost. It's highway robbery. I can't imagine living in Chicago or LA and having to pay those prices for movies. Add popcorn and soda and you've spent a small fortune. I really don't see the need for such high prices. Especially for kids. Fortunately though, my kids are really good for 4 and 6 at the theatre. In fact, they love going to the movie theatre. Anyway, the movie was entertaining and we enjoyed it. I missed Kingdom of Heaven (I think that was what it was called) and The Longest Yard. I wanted to see those.

Itchy

2005-07-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Good Gravy how I itch! I finally went to the doctor today about my poison ivy. Got a shot, drugs to take for 2 weeks, and a cream. It's driving me nuts! The doctor found it hilarious that I've been cultivating this poison ivy for 2 years. I'm sure some day I will laugh too. Right now though I'm too busy trying not to scratch.

Pick Your Poison

2005-07-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

I've learned that the saying is definitely "Pick Your Poison" and not "Pick Some Poison". Trust me, picking poison is not a good idea. Poison Ivy that is. I've been nurturing a patch for two years. I thought it was volunteer Morning Glory as I'd planted some nearby the year prior. Well, my flower bed had gotten out of control and my volunteer Morning Glory wasn't blooming so I decided to clear it out. I am now sporting a nice healthy rash that itches like you wouldn't believe thanks to that so called volunteer Morning Glory. It's the pits.

I am no gardner, which you may have picked up by now. If it's green and it's growing, I give it a chance in case it might actually be a flower. No more. If I didn't directly plant you and even if I planted you but didn't expect you to come back, then "you're outta here"!

That must have been the biggest patch of poison ivy in history. If it had been marijuana, I'd be rich. Or in jail. But at least I wouldn't have this rash! I'm gonna have to wear gloves at all times to keep from scratching. I can't believe I grew poison ivy. Thank goodness I didn't feed it with Miracle Grow. It could have been covering my house.

Maybe I should offer a stalk to my kitty hating neighbor. :<)

Again With The Girl

2005-07-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

Her most recent picture.

Little Girl

2005-07-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

My little girl dressed up for Halloween. She loved this oufit. She loves to play dress up and wore this outfit out.

Pancreatic Cancer Walk

2005-07-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, here goes. It's time for the annual Pancreatic Cancer walk. My family and I did it last year in memory of my brother. It's a great thing organized by PanCAN volunteers. PanCAN is a non-profit org that raises money for research funding, raises awareness about the cancer, and provides a wonderful support service for people dealing with pancreatic cancer. Participating walkers ask people and companies to sponsor them with a tax deductible donations. So....

I know no one has money to just throw around and I don't know most of you personally outside the blogging world, but I wouldn't be very effective in trying to fight cancer by being timid so hear it is, the big asking for a donation. $1 to $100's.

Feel free to snort at this point and say "I don't think so". Feel free to sympathise with the cause but decline at this time. Feel free to give a little. I simply had to ask, even though I feel I should apologize for it. I'll give the website just in case someone wants to give a buck or two. Know though that this is not a PayPal account or anything like that. Money goes directly to PanCAN, not to me and it is tax deductible. Feel free to check out PanCAN's website. Thanks everyone.

Here's the link.
http://www.justgiving.com/pfp/fortroy

Here Kitty Kitty

2005-07-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours. My husband told me tonight after the ball game that there was a message on our answering machine from the county animal warden. There are a couple of old bitties up the street who are frankly unfriendly. Apparently one of them called and complained about my kids' cats.

Now mind you, many people don't like cats and I understand that. I like dogs but I don't particularly like little yapping dogs who get the whole front of their face sopping wet before coming to wipe it on you. HOWEVER, I would never say anything cruel about your dog or complain about the gross wet smear it left over my skin or clothing. Basically, I get along.

Anyway, one of these ladies (loose term) called animal control about my kids' kitties. Our city had some trouble a while back with stray cats so they made an ordinance that cats had to be "contained" in their owners yard. This allowed them to take care of the stray cat problem. Cat owners however, have a problem. Tell me, exactly, how do you think it could in any way be possible to make a cat stay in your yard. Fences obviously don't work, putting them on a leash is asking them to be killed by other stray animals since their main defense is to flee, and few cats can be trained never to pass certain perimeters.

Now our kitties are very pretty calico's. They keep amazingly clean for having so much white on them, they are very friendly and we take very good care of them. Unfortunately I found to be very allergic to them so they were relegated to the out of doors. They are nearly always at our house, in the field next to it, or at the house across the street playing with a friend. We shut them in the garage at night for their protection and to keep them close to home. I have never seen them up the street though I realize that doesn't mean they never go there.

So this lady called and complained that OUR cats were traipsing through her yard, pooping in her flower beds, and killing the birds in her yard. Now, in the two block radius surrounding this house, there are 5 other cats, not to mention 2 regular strays that we are always chasing off. The cats have NEVER killed a bird in our yard that we have seen nor have we EVER had a dead bird in the yard. In fact, we have several turtle doves, the occasional cardinal, and more black birds than I care to have. Last I checked, the bird populace was still going strong despite the existance of cats. Pooping in flower beds. We have a litter box in our garage for the kitties. Based on the number of times we have to change it, they use it fairly often. And if they poop outside, they cover it up. You don't step in it and traipse it all around your house. How many times a day is she in that flower bed that digging up cat poop could POSSIBLY be a problem?

Let me remind you here, there are 5 other cats just in the immediate neighborhood. But see, she doesn't know these other people to complain about them. I've tried to be neighborly and speak when she's outside (and gotten the cold shoulder) so she knows who we are and that we have cats. (two by the way, one for each of the kids).

So she calls animal control who after enough complaints and fines (no great evidence required) will take the animals and put them down. What is her goal here? Does she want my 4 and 6 year old to have their pets taken away and put to sleep because SOME cat or cats poop in her flowers and cover it up? What kind of person does that to little kids? For heavens sake, we already shut them up at night and have a fenced in yard. They can't come inside so that really doesn't leave us with a lot of options now does it? And 9 times out of 10, they are right there in our yard anyway or in the field right next to us.

I'm sure her issues arise from a combination of area cats. But still, what great harm are these animals really doing her? I understand complaining about a troublesome animal but come on. Walking thru her yard? And how many birds has she really seen any cat bring down?

My Players

2005-07-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

These are the boys. They're good kids. It's been a lot of fun hosting over the years. We've always been lucky to get good kids. After the game tonight they had a big fireworks show. The players are allowed to stay out on the field and the fans stay in the stadium seats. Well, Jake, the first boy pictured called up to us from the dugout and asked my two kids to come join them on the field. My kids were thrilled to go out there and sit with them. I thought that was really nice of him to call the kids out there. A security personnel keeps the general public from going thru the gate to the field so it was kinda a special thing for them. My whole family drove up for the game and the fireworks so it was a nice family evening.

Let Me Count The Ways

2005-06-30T00:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks all for the good advise and encouragement on the previous "Ways" post. It is certainly not always easy to keep a good marriage going. I'd say our marriage is good but I did wonder about that changing from the person I once knew. I wondered how "normal" it was and how people dealt with it. I don't usually spend much time reflecting on how my husband was when we first married. Usually only comes up when I'm mad. Really mad. Which, fortunately, doesn't happen ALL that often. Still, it is a valid consideration and you all gave me something to think about.

I think it is very easy in marriage to slip into survival routines (those with children know what this is) and stop taking time out for ourselves as a couple. Our lives have tended to revolve around our children. In some ways this has been great of course, but we've neglected our relationship as husband and wife to give way to mother and father I think. Even when we manage time to ourselves, we're usually too mentally drained to enjoy each other. Trust me, we have mentally draining children.

I do also think there is merit in the suggestion that depression in men often comes out in anger. In fact, when several family members were dying and there was a great deal of stress, my husband went on an anti-depressant. He is loath however to taking medications and once things got back on track a bit, he stopped taking them. I don't know though that he suffers currently from medication required depression. I just think his plate has more on it than he can digest.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice and understanding. Be sure to give me your opinions on the blog below regarding my husband's shirt. Thanks!

Your Opinion Please

2005-06-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Opinions please! I am making a shirt for my husband that I'll give him for his birthday. We used to have shirts that had the last name of the player we were hosting and we would wear them to the games. Now I want to make a shirt that has the last name of all the players we've hosted over the years. I'm debating though on what to put on the front of the shirt. The team these kids play for is called the Gems. Here are some things I've thought of for the front of the shirt:

1. Proud to Host
2. Gems Host Parent
3. Host Parent
4. Proud host Parent (done each word vertically with host in smaller letters)

The back of the shirt would then list the last names of the kids we've hosted. I know the ideas I came up with aren't very clever or anything but I don't want to go over the top with it. Personally I like 1 and 4. Whatever goes on the front would probably have on word per line ie..

Proud
to
Host

Feel free to come up with your own if you don't like any of these options. Consider however that I have to pay per letter to have it made. Thanks for your help!

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

2005-06-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

I wonder, I know people change and the person you are married to often is not the person you married. But I wonder if the reason's why you married them are still there. My husband is definitely not the man I married. Neither am I. We both have changed in big ways over the last 10 years. In some ways I suppose we have not changed for the better. In many ways we have.

I was thinking tonight though, mostly because I was mad. Really, really mad. My husband has changed in aspects that were the reasons I married him. Did that make sense? The things I loved most about him, he's not anymore. I just wondered if that is the way it is or if that's just our case. I don't know if the things he most loved about me have changed or not. Probably so. I think one of the things he liked best was that I made a mean Jack and Coke. :<) Now I not only don't make them for him anymore, I encourage him to stick to beer.

Of course, being married is full of adjustments. It is a committment and it is hard work. I knew that at the beginning, just as I know it now. I am surprised though at how much my husband's basic personality has changed. Some characteristics I expected would never change. My husband was always much like a big teddy bear. He could be pretty ferocious when necessary, but mostly he was the softest, nicest person I knew. I took a lot of lessons in generosity and kind heartedness from him. Now? Anger is an adjective that suits him more a great deal of the time. Course, our lives are full of things that were not factors years ago. Still, it's a pretty big about face.

It's something I've failed to curb. Perhaps it's something I've even contributed to, I don't know. But one of the reasons I married him was because he was the anti-anger. He was easily one of the kindest men I had ever met. I respected that. A lot. I hope that this course runs full circle, that those great parts of the man he once was will come out again.

All The ZZZ's

2005-06-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband climbs in bed. 30 seconds later he says "I can't sleep". 30 seconds is a long time for him to still be awake. Generally as soon as he lays down, he starts snoring. I can't imagine what that must be like. I lay for an hour, sometimes more before going to sleep. He considers 30 seconds to be insomnia. Unbelievable. Within the minute he is snoring away having "conquered" his battle with sleep.

Normally I will climb in bed, say my prayers, and then begin the process of laying there. Trying different positions. Checking the clock. And then the real trouble begins. I start to think. I'll think about the day I had or some issue I encountered. I'll dream up big schemes of ways to help people without getting "caught". That usually leads to dreaming up ways to get my sister's goat. Sometimes I'll actually put these schemes to use, sometimes I don't. The card hunt for my friend's birthday was a concoction of late night sleeplessness.

Sometimes I'll think of my brother. I'll remember his last weeks. Then I'll lay there and dream up ways to fight Pancreatic cancer. Night time is when I will relive the things I've said to people. If I've been angry with someone, night time is when I will wish I'd kept my cool. It was a night time self evaluation that made me regret being so mean about Mrs. Money.

If I could go to sleep at night, I might be able to actually put my foot down about something!

On rare occasion I'll drift off to sleep pretty quickly. More often than not though, I'm laying in bed wishing sleep would come. I'll have gone to bed half an hour before my husband but he'll come in, lay down, and be asleep before I am. Oh how that drives me crazy! So unfair. He get's all the Z's and I'm left staring at the ceiling.

The Other Mothers

2005-06-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned before about how often my family has kept my niece (my brother's daughter). My brother's wife never really wanted to have kids. For a long time that was Ok with my brother too. Then I think he started to want to have a family but she still didn't. They went that way for a while but then her mom got cancer and it was her mom's greatest wish that they have a child before she died. So I think all this pressured my brother's wife into agreeing to have kids. I think she came around to the idea but it definitely wasn't her idea.

Anyway, after she had my niece, she took a rather small role in raising her. Then my brother got sick and since he died, my niece has spent far more time with my family than with her mother. My sister has pretty much been raising her. It's sad but we're glad that M (niece's mom) is willing to leave her with us rather than with whomever she can find - which is what she did the few weeks she still had her daughter in with her before leaving Texas.

We all love my niece (S) and are careful not to make M mad for fear she would just up and disappear with S. We're glad to have S with us as much as we can. We just want her to be with family and with people who love her.

Here is an exchange that occured between my daughter and S (they're 6 months apart).

While at my mom and dad's house, there was a dead bird in the yard. My daughter says in a sad little voice "Oooh, that bird is dead! It's babies are going to be missing their mommy!". This was my nieces reply "Ah, that's Ok, there are other mommies who can take care of them".

I thought that was a pretty clear insight into both of their lives. My daughter would have had no concept of any other mommies taking care of kids. She's a one mommy girl. For S though, it's pretty much a way of life. Pretty sad for a child who has already lost her daddy to not have a solid mommy too. Perhaps though it's better for her to feel that way so she doesn't fear being left with no one.

The New Player

2005-06-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Well, we are beginning our summer of baseball. One of our players is here. The other was supposed to have been here but he is from Colorado and his car broke down on the way. He should be here tomorrow. The kids are excited. Our player who is here has gotten moved in and is getting settled. He seems nice. He's 19 - barely. I feel so much older than these kids than I did just 3 years ago. Back when I was still in my twenties. Ah, but he seems like a good kid. He's a bit shy. Say's he's a slow to warm up kinda guy. His older brother is here too but doesn't stay with us. He's the assistant coach. We met him tonight. They had an exhibition game against the local legion team. They stomped butt of course but the other team is made up of area high schoolers mostly. This player, I guess I should call him something so let's say he's umm, J. Anyway, J is a second baseman. He had a good game. Seems to be a good baseman and a good baserunner once he is on. He doesn't have a very high batting average though. He did alright at the plate tonight though. So we'll see what the future brings.

Husband has been getting our swimming pool ready to open. Should be ready in a couple of days. We have to get a new liner after this season though. That's a bummer as they are rather expensive for a pool the size of ours and it being inground on top of that. I hate big, unplanned expenses like that.

I haven't kept up with my blogging the last couple of weekends. New schedule, new routine. I'll get settled and get back into it though. Now I'm thinking I'd best head to bed since I don't know when our new player will get here tomorrow. No doubt if I stay up late he'll be here at the crack of dawn or something. Well, beginning of summer ball marks the beginning of summer for us. Oh, BTW, I saw Mrs. Money tonight at the game. Puke. I was torn though. Part of me wanted to thoroughly dislike her and part of me wanted to just brush it off and even play nice with her. I'm very good at being a funnily sarcastic person but I suck at being a vengeful hateful person. I suppose in some ways that is good but sometimes it really bites to not be able to be "unnice" (new word) to a not nice person. It all comes back to my being a professional fence straddler...."I'm sure she has some good qualities...".

Am I the only person who can't just not like someone? I always have to follow my statements with a qualifier: "I don't like her. *slight pause* Well, it's not that I don't like her, it's just that......blah blah blah". But I don't like Mrs. Money. Right? Right! Of course I don't like her. But then I see her and she smiles and seems happy, talks cheerfully to someone and I think, maybe she's not soooo terrible. AHHHHHH. I just don't know. Satan himself could go around in a bunny suit and I'd fall for it every time.

On Fear And Phobias

2005-06-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

I have a fear of bridges. Sometimes when I drive across them, my knuckles turn white as I grip the wheel. I've been known to snap at someone for not watching the road close enough while crossing a bridge.

I have an even bigger fear of flying. Actually, I don't fear flying so much as I do crashing. It's simply something I don't want to experience. I've jumped off the high dive at the public pool twice in my life. I didn't like it. Somehow I view flying (and conscequintly crashing) as a really, really big high dive. No thanks.

These (barring any tragic thoughts of something to do with my children) are my great fears. And as great as they are, as gut wrenching and heart pounding as I find them, they are nothing - nothing to my phobias. And I have two of them.

I don't have any great fear of spiders. I spare no love for them, but no exceptional fear either. Bugs? Bugs are another issue altogether. Fear truly is not a powerful enough word for the emotion I have towards bugs. I don't have any levels for how frightening a certain type of bug is over another. Nope, I give them all the benefit of the doubt and rate them all at extreme. In my area the June bug is most prevelant so perhaps I loath them more but pretty much any bug will elicit the same response. And that response is panic. Sheer, unadulterated, mindless terror. And when I say mindless, I mean mindless. I once tried to exit a moving vehicle when I found myself sharing automotive space. My door was open and my body was in full flight. Only the seat belt held me in. Which is bad enough in itself except that I also happened to be the driver of the vehicle.

Absolute mindless terror. For a bug. Though I can admit to that reaction as being extreme, it simply is beyond control. All thought seems to exit my mind. Why else would I leap from a moving vehicle, willing to let my own car careen on driverless?

This weekend my sister-in-law was driving her vehicle when I noticed a bug on the inside of my window. Again, the seat belt held me from moving too far and I was crying out about a bug and the window. Unfortunately my initial plea didn't make much sense (again the mindless thing) and it took her a minute to realize what was going on. Then, finding humor in my terror, she told me to roll down my own window. Desperate to get as far away from the bug as possible, I finally was able to release the catch on my seat belt and in my haste nearly sent the buckle through the window pane while I flung myself toward the back seat. Needless to say my sister-in-law didn't find that quite so funny.

This however is what seperates fear from phobia. My fears may be a bit unreasonable but my phobias? I become unreasonable. I simply lose ability to reason. I don't know why I experience this over bugs but bugs definitely do it.

The other thing that does me in is guns. Now don't get all up in arm (ha ha), I'm not into the politics of gun control in the least. I simply become mindless when around guns. My husband thought to break me of this one time and took me out where he target practices, stood me in place and put his shotgun in my hands. I became so terrified I started crying. For a moment he wouldn't take the gun from me and for me, it felt like an eternity. I was absolutely terrified to move. I stood stock still bawling my head off.

I didn't realize that it is standard safety for policemen to have their hand readily over their gun when they approach a car that they've pulled over at night. Thankfully my husband was driving cause when I saw the cops hand on his gun I was so terrified I could neither move nor speak for some time. Then I started bawling and felt like I'd run a marathon.

My husband is an avid hunter but the guns had never been in our house. For years they stayed at his parent's. Then when I had my major surgery and wouldn't be able to go downstairs in our house for over a year, he moved them (at his parent's insistance) into our basement. It was nearly 2 years later that I discovered them. They are still here but locked in a cabinet and each has a large trigger lock and all ammunition is stored outside of the house. I still don't look at the cabinet though, just knowing they are in there. I have no issue with my husband hunting or his use of guns but they simply terrify me. I also believe they have no business in a house with children but we've taken about as many steps as we can to make them uneasily useable.

So. Those are my deepseated fears and phobias. I'm just wondering how common phobias are. Right now I know no one with a real phobia like I experience. None of my friends or family experience anything like it. Surely it can't be all that rare though.

So what makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck?

Day in the Life of the Parent

2005-06-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

I received this in an email and thought it was funny. What is so tragically funny is how it is an exaggeration that has such an element of truth in it. To me it totally surmises the raising of young children.

WHY PARENTS DRINK!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Suprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk to her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was sombody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like aHelicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whisering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffledgiggle:

"ME."

He's Been Drafted!!

2005-06-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

Hooray! The baseball player who has lived with us the last 2 summers called us tonight to tell us he'd been drafted today to the Cincinnati Reds. He was drafted as the 12 pick on the 12 round of the first day of the draft. I'm so happy for him! He's such a great kid and so sweet. He and his family are celebrating but he took time out to call us to share his big news. I couldn't be happier for him.

I'm Baaaack

2005-06-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

Oh man! What a totally exhausting weekend. My niece graduated from high school Sunday. I went down to my sister's on Friday morning to help get ready for the weekend. This will be her middle child leaving the nest. I think my niece has a pretty good head on her shoulders and will do well in college. It's so amazing to see them grow up. Graduating high school is a pretty big marker. My niece was just a little girl when I was in college. Now she's going. It doesn't seem possible that she could have been so young when I was in college and now she's graduating. Amazing what 10 years can do.

So I helped my sister get ready to host a graduation party. The food display could have been in a magazine. We dipped chocolate and put out a spread. My sister has a lot of longaberger products so all the food was set out in expensive baskets and serving ware. The fruit was in a bowl surrounding an uncut pineapple and garnished with grapes. It was all beautiful. A bit over the top perhaps though. My sister is very into appearances. Well, she definitely set the bar. It was nice though. She had 3 scrapbooks noting my niece's high school career and she also put out papers from grade school that she had saved.

Just a small sad element that my brother wasn't there. He set a lot by education and he would have been very proud of my niece. I'd thought for a bit during the ceremony that it was too bad he wasn't there to see her graduate. Then they mentioned something about how unusually small the class size was, only 52 students. (gasp, I know) But the odd thing is, 52 is the family number. It's my brother's number. He was a big sports player and his jerseys were always 52. The number became a big thing in our family. I thought it interesting that that was the number in my nieces graduating class. It was almost like him saying, "I'm here. I woudn't miss this".

Well, I'm exhausted and headed to bed. Big day tomorrow cleaning and stuff. Our baseball players come this week for the summer so I have to get their rooms ready and all.

I Am Not Helen Keller

2005-06-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not a historian, but I love historical fiction. I often read about people who are ill or whatnot and everyone around them is trying to get them to rest etc etc but the person is determined to do something. Another theme is how pregnancy used to be considered a delicate condition.

I've got a beef about today's attitudes. Nowadays, you're expected to work when you're ill. It's not the working when you're ill that I have a problem with, it's the expectation. It's no longer admirable to push yourself. It's expected. And so much so that it is unnoticed when you do. But the negative feedback is profound.

A person with disabilities/limitations is expected to "overcome". It used to be doing so would be admirable. Now, it's the par. Now it's the expectation for disabled people to be Helen Keller. Lance Armstrong is not a role model, he holds the bar of expectation.

When I was pregnant, I worked the full term of my pregnancy. In fact, I went into labor while working and finished the shift. And lemme tell ya, 9 months pregnant didn't matter. I was still expected to lift patients, make the rounds on the same work load, and even work with the same dangerous diseases that I was when I wasn't pregnant. All the "equal rights" by people who weren't going to have children or men who never would be pregnant made sure of that.

Instead of taking care of each other, we're taking care of ourselves and to hell with anyone else.

Back to my original point though, I'm tired of battling the Helen Keller syndrome. At 27 I found myself with legs that didn't work right following a surgery to fuse my back. While I've managed over the years to learn to function with pain and legs that I couldn't feel, sometimes just doing is exhausting. Most of the time you wouldn't know I had any disabilities just by looking at me. Sometimes I feel just living with these limitations ought to be enough. But no. To have respect, you have to reach the exceptional. I have no desire to be exceptional. I am who I am and would like to be accepted as such. Unfortunately, unexceptional brings a host of disdain. My sister often tells my I need to "get a life". I have 2 young kids and a husband. I have a life. It's just not Helen Keller's.

It'll Grow Back

2005-05-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I blog about the most ridiculous stuff, but I'm about to do it again. I went out to seek beauty enhancement and was left with the sentiment, " Well, it'll grow back...I guess". No, I didn't get a bad cut, I had my eyebrows waxed (don't say I didn't warn you about the topic). Mayhap some women can sympathise with me and can forgive me for blogging about the asinine.

Now I'm a newbie to the world of waxing. This will be my third time. The first time, the girl was very conservative, which was fine with me. She did a thin underbrow waxing and I had to talk her in to doing between my brow and hairline on the side. The second time, the girl just followed the path lain by the girl before her. All of which was fine by me.

They say the 3rd time's a charm. But I'm thinking curse would be a more appropriate word.

All my life I've been a bushy brow girl. While my peers were plucking away, I lifted one bushy brow at them as though they were demented. I was a Brooke Shields brow girl.

Now? I'm not sure anyone looks like me. I'm not sure anyone would want to. This third girl has a thing for arches. She thinks all brows should create a nice arch or at least an upside down V. First she waxed me. Then she plucked. And she plucked. She apologized for her plucking because she said she was afraid to put on more wax and remove too much. After she plucked some more, she asked me twice if I was sure I didn't want her to do the top of the brow.

I'm somewhat attached to my bushy brows. I think thin brows make you look older. I prefer to go for a look that says "Yes, I know, they're bushy, but see?! they're lined up, formed. The pencil days will come soon enough, thank you.

So I again refused the top brow wax. Plucking completed, she hands me the mirror with the instuctions "Let me know if you see anything". My first look I thought I must have been mistaken. I'd had my eyes closed and maybe they just hadn't refocused. "Nope," I said "I don't see anything". I hand back the mirror and she moves on to do the hairline wax. By this time I'm thinking "Did I just see what I thought I saw"?

The mirror is then handed back to me to see what I think. When I look I'm thinking "My God! What have you done to me?". My brows have the same bushy beginnings, then create a full arc, then end in a pencil thin line. Perhaps in my lack of knowledge, eyebrows are supposed to look like that and I've just received the finest waxing one can receive. But I'm thinking not. In fact, I think I look like Jack Nicholson playing the Joker. Somehow though, the wuss in me translated my "OH MY GOD" to "No, it looks fine, thanks". I pay the fee and leave.

I can only hope they will grow back. I don't know that my waxing days are completely at an end. I do know however, that I got the girls name and next time, I'll call and check if the bushwacker is working or not.

Expensive Me

2005-05-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

That "If I Were Rich" blog must have gone to my head. I spent money today as if I had it. Went to Kohls cause I heard they were having 80% off sales. They were and I got my daughter a nice little dress for 6 bucks. Then I saw a neat picnic thing and found some foundation which I've been needing. Unfortunately, I didn't even look at the price of the foundation. I about broke my jaw on the counter after it fell open while checking out.

Then off to Walmart. My daughter loves dresses and wanted to wear her new one so she changed in the van. When I got inside I figured I'd have her picture taken since she was dressed up. I hid her school pictures and didn't pass any out cause they were horrible so I'd been meaning to get her picture taken anyway. Well, I ended up purchasing a package so my cheap 6 dollar dress was rapidly turning into 70. Egads! By the time I then bought groceries my total for the day was turning into a small fortune.

Maybe I should make a list of how I could be more frugal. But I doubt that would have the same effect.

In Memory

2005-05-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

This being memorial day weekend, I'm going to blog about my brother.

When I was little, I saw my brother as my hero, my savior. My sister who is 9 years older than me, well, her and I didn't get along. I was still pretty young and my brother used to "save" me from her or try to cheer me up.

Troy was 38 when he died from Pancreatic Cancer. He lived in Murphy Texas, was married, and had a then 2 year old daughter. He was the type of person who drew people to him. When he made a friend, they were a friend for life. He was witty and charming and very intelligent. He was more articulate than anyone I know. There was also some arrogance in him, he was aware of his abilities but to say he was likeable would be an understatement.

He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 11 painful, wrenching weeks later. He'd always been a pillar of health and it was difficult for him to accept what was happening to him. He told me he wanted to die with dignity. It was important to him. Though we could see the pain he was in, he never complained about it, never cried out. He was the last to give up on the ability to do something for himself.

He had wanted to stay in his home in Texas as long as possible, then go to our parents home in Illinois when the end was near. He was to be buried there and had spoken with the funeral home director there. He had specifics of how he wanted to look. He didn't want some frown on his face, or a blank, expressionless face. He wanted a smile. And he was adament about it. He chose his pallbearers, his coffin, the music to be played, and the clothes to be buried in.

He made one trip to Illinois during his 11 weeks for a wedding his daughter had been asked to be in. She was to be a flower girl. He really wasn't feeling well and we worried about what the trip would take out of him. He never considered not coming. The day of the wedding he sat at the end of the aisle. He was feeling bad but wouldn't leave. He told my sister "This will be my only chance to see my little girl walk down the aisle. I won't live to see her do it again". He wasn't able to complete the trip back home without problems. Half way there he had complications and was admitted to ICU. Eventually we got him transferred to ICU in Dallas/Plano. The trip cost him precious days in the hospital. He never fully recovered his strength but he got to see his baby walk down the wedding aisle in a white dress. I think it was a blow to his system but a balm to his heart.

Even when we told him that if he didn't travel now, he wouldn't make it to Illinois, he refused to give up on life. A beautiful set of people volunteered their time and skills to fly him from Texas to Illinois. He was so intent on living, he walked off the plane and across the small airfield to the car on his own stead. Those watching would never believe his life would be gone just days later.

It's been a year and a half since he left us. I can hardly believe so much time has passed. We still miss him like it was yesterday. Now we are helping his widow to raise his little girl. She now lives in Chicago but his daughter spends much of her time with my family. Next weekend she'll make the 5 hour drive and be spending the summer with us. She'll likely have no memories of her own of her daddy but we'll make sure she knows who he was, how much he loved her, and how he treasured watching her one day dropping petals down the aisle in her little white dress.

I miss you Troy, and I love you.

If I Had Money

2005-05-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

My money dreams. If I had money - and I mean BIG money, here's what I would do.

1. Buy a nice big wonderful home complete with furnishings and a maid to clean it.

2. See to my parents needs. Make sure their home is payed for and it's where they want to be. Let them have the option of whether or not they want to keep working. Prep a travel account for them.

3. Set up education funds for my nieces and nephews, as well as my own children.

4. Make a trip to the hospital, select someone's outlandish medical bill, and pay it off. Do this annually. Periodically stop in and pay off some family's ER bills. All anonymously.

5. Replace one of the city's firetrucks and set up a fund to purchase new ones.

6. Pay for the police costs of setting up several citywide drunk driving checkpoints every weekend for a year. Make a donation to local Dare &/or war on drugs.

7. Set up a fund to give a college scholarship in my brother's name. Donate to PanCAN for pancreatic cancer in his name.

8. Take my sister on a cruise/vacation of her choice.

9. Plan an age appropriate annual educational trip for my children and nieces and nephews.

10. Take a trip to Japan and Scotland.

11. Donations to Asthma and Obesity research.

12. Fund the creation of a beautiful walking park in my city.

13. Donate my current home to the Red Cross for use by families who's homes have caught fire until their permanent housing is arranged.

14. Take a US trip with husband and kids to points of interest in the US. Probably revisit the badlands, see crazy horse (wasn't completed the last time I was out there), Yellowstone, Colonial Williamsburg. These have been my favorite traveled to places. Would also like to see the Grand Canyon, and coastal Maine. Probably just do the NY and DC trips during the kids' educational trips.

15. Buy a new van. (I'm not really in to cars)

16. Trip to Australia with all of my side of the family.

17. Disney World with hubby's side of the family.

18. Kids and hubby and I swim with the dolphins.

19. Ask the NURSES on ICU what equipment they need and buy it.

20. Donate out the rear to the local Christmas campaigns.

21. Get faster internet connection!!!!

Yep, that mainly does it. My money wish list. Pretty much in that order. I suppose it would be better if I saw to my parent's needs before my house but I'm thinking that would just happen simultaneously. My biggest desires are to have a nice, big house and to be able to pay off people's debts. I like the hospital debts in particular because they tend to be an expense you just can't do anything about. If you gotta have your appendix out, you gotta have it out. It has nothing to do with your money management, your good or bad personality, etc. And wouldn't it be so nice to have such a stress just unexpectedly taken away? To think you have this chunka medical bill and all of a sudden outta the blue you get a notice in the mail telling you it's been paid in full?

There is a bit of a hole in my list where my sister and my husband's sister are concerned. They don't have tons of personal benefit from my moneydom. And probably I would do more, likely debt payments and the like. The thing is, my sister's husband cheated on her and their relationship is still kinda rocky. I certainly don't want to give money and have him end up with half. My husband's sister, well, they drink a lot, party a lot, and party some more at the expense of their bills and their children. One, they couldn't manage any monetary gift, and two, I don't really embrace the idea of contributing to their lifestyle. So for all of them I think I would focus on their children and then do trips and the like with them. So whaddya think? What are your money dreams?

Sad? I Hate Sad!

2005-05-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

Doggone those sad endings. They torment me! It's just a movie for heavens sakes! Tell that to my soul though. Blast. I'll be up all night hurting for people who don't exist and applying the morals of the story to my life. Drat. Doggone bleeding heart sad movies grumble grumble grumble....

I Went, I Saw, I Applauded

2005-05-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

I did it. I went and saw the 3rd episode of Star Wars. My hat is off to Mr. Lucas for his best one yet. I watched the first 2 over the other day so was prepared to see the 3rd. It far exceeded the first two. The first one I felt was merely a set up for the second two. An anchor. Very little interesting plot of its own though I liked Obie's (spelling I know) master. That's Ok though, it did it's job.

**Note, spoilers galore here, though I'm probably the last to see these**

The second was better. I was confused though because half way through I figured out who the emporer was but he wasn't shown as a bad guy yet. I thought, well, maybe they used him as a double for interest or something. Of course, all came to light in the 3rd. It was so difficult though because they made Anakin so likeable; it was painful to see him turn. Which of course was the genius in it.

I'm still left a bit sad though at Anakin's turning. And I'll miss the characters in their youthfulness. They really put in a lot of plot twisting, double meanings, and illusions. I thought the 3rd very well thought out. Now I'm ready to rewatch the remaining 3.

Head Hanging

2005-05-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm feeling a little ashamed concerning my previous post. I hate sounding so shallow. I am just disappointed because it's just not the same once money got involved.

Can't Beat The Rich

2005-05-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

Ok. Minor gripe here. Why do people with money have to step on the toes of regular people. I mean, if you don't have lots of money, you can't compete when people with money step into your arena. If you got money, buy a yacht. Or a summer cottage. Or better yet, support a charity. Why do you have to show up the middle class? Uhg. That burns me.

We have a family in town that is great at doing just that. They have tons of money and can do whatever they want. But they just have to do what the middle class do only with lots of money.

Ok, here's an example. Several families host college players to give them a home during summer baseball. Most families host 1 or 2 players. The "money people", they host 5. So there are families who don't host because there is no need with the one family taking 5. Their kids won't get to have a baseball "hero" spend the summer with them. The money family does not have young kids. Ok, doesn't directly effect me but is still upsetting. Also, many of the host families have made scrapbooks for their players. For those of you who don't scrapbook, doing one is pretty expensive and very time consuming. For those of us who make these for our players, it makes this a pretty special gift. Well, the last two years, Mrs. Money made scrapbooks for all 5 of her players and then went on to make them for EVERY OTHER player too! So for those of us who thought we were giving something special to our player, it ended up being not so special since she made one up (no expense spared) for our players too. She passes out $100 bills to her players for whatever reason she can contrive too. I can just imaging all the other players cursing their bad luck for being place with a regular family instead of Mrs. Moneybucks.

Last year they had a silent auction for the player's jerseys. The one kid who'd stayed with us for two years had become like family. He didn't even know Mrs. Money and Mrs. Money didn't know him. But she knew he had turned down the draft that year and would be drafted in the coming year so wouldn't ya know, she just had to bet against us for his jersey. Now I know a jersey isn't the end of the world but my whole family had really come to love this kid and it was his last year of eligibility for summer ball even if he weren't moving on to the bigs. We ended up in a bidding war against Mrs. Money for his jersey. Everyone around us was just livid that she would bid against a host family for their own players jersey. We ended up slipping in just before the time limit to win the jersey but it cost us. We used our anniversary money to pay for it. Mrs. Money woudn't've had to give up a thing for it. The kid was really upset that Mrs. Money had done that, not knowing him and just doing it for the prestige of having it when he drafts. He said "Don't worry, I won't forget where I came from". He keeps in touch and calls on holidays and has promised to call the day he gets drafted to tell us where he's going.

I don't know. It just used to be a congenial and familyish atmosphere. But she's cast a shadow on the whole thing. Host families used to get together for BBQ's and swim parties. We all did different things for and with our players but it wasn't competitive or anything. Now though, nothing we do can compare with what she can do. Who wants to do anything just to have her come behind you and do it bigger and better? Mrs. Money seems to have tainted the whole thing throwing her bucks and weight around. I don't begrudge her hosting, but she just has to go and change the whole feel of everything. Instead of being about family, kindness, comraderie and fun, she's made it about money. And we just can't beat the rich at that.

Musical Baton

2005-05-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

AfricaBleu passed the musical baton on to me. Here are the questions and my answers:

1. Total volumn of music files on my computer.

Hehe, that would be a big fat 0. I know, I know, I can hear the computers gasping about me while my own PC hangs its head(?) in shame. I have never downloaded a song ever. Sloooow dial up connection plays some responsibility for that.

2. The last CD I bought was:

Hmmm. It's been a while. Most likely it was a soundtrack from a Disney cartoon. I love Disney music. I don't know what I will do when my kids outgrow Disney cartoons and I can no longer use them as an excuse. In the meantime, my van is usually rockin to songs from Tarzan or The Lion King. I'd love to get my hands on the soundtrack for Mulan. Yep, I'm hip.

3. Song playing right now:

Nothing actually. Sorry, I'm boring.

4. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me.

Well, I love Bruce Carroll and two of his songs "Elm Street" and "Who will be Jesus" really move me. They really effect my spirit.

The Judds Greatest Hits. A whole tape is probably cheating but its not any particular song from this tape/CD but the thing as a whole that takes me back to my horse days. Ahh, great times.

"I Cross My Heart" and "I Swear" by George Strait and John Micheal Montgomery respectively. These were "our" songs. One was sung at our wedding and the other is what we danced to for our first dance.

Three people I am passing the baton on to:
Bacon on the Run
Quid Novi
and anyone who wants to do this

Attn. Star Wars Advisors

2005-05-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've decided it's time to see what all the hype is about Star Wars. So. In what order does one go about watching these? I don't even know the names of the ones that are new. And the one prior to the one that just came out in theatres, is it out on DVD? I want to watch the ones leading up to the one in theatres and then I'll go watch this new one. After that I guess it's the regular trilogy? Any information is appreciated.