Pancreatic Cancer Awareness
Next month (November) is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month. November 8th will mark the 2nd anniversary of my brothers death. This year he would have been 40. His daughter has just turned 4. I find myself wondering what he would have been doing had he lived. He had always been a career oriented man. In the year after his daughter's birth, while he was still undiagnosed, he had begun to make the shift towards being more family oriented. He was a businessman who'd strove to lead the pack in the big time business world. I think the birth of his daughter opened his mind to a whole new world of thinking. He'd begun discussing moving closer to his family so his daughter would have the opportunity to grow up near family. This would have been a major change as he would have gone from the "big times" of Dallas career world to the back roads of the midwest. Quite a consensus for him. In a way, though he was 38, he'd only begun to live. He'd just gotten a glimpse of a whole new way of life.
Still to this day, almost 2 years later, the thought that my brother is dead is coated by some sort of protective film that prevents it from fully penetrating my brain. Some part of me still seems to function on thought that he is still in Dallas, alive and well, just like always.
Shortly after he died, I went through a sort of panic thoughts for my children. I was afraid that we'd made a big mistake only having 2 children. If something happened to one of them, the other would be all alone. I thought we should have had some kind of an "insurance" child. I worried over lots of things then.
Now it's hard to imagine not being involved in PanCAN. I know had this not happened to my brother, I never would have gotten involved. Not that I prefer things this way. It's just odd to think of the different paths in life. I'm glad, extremely glad, that I've gone somewhere in response to his death. I can't say it's given meaning to his death, his will always be a senseless death to me, but it's given me focus in dealing with his death.
I'm sure next month I'll ask you to indulge me in reading some facts about pancreatic cancer. But every opportunity to share is a stab at my brother's killer. And that, well, kinda feels good.
Still to this day, almost 2 years later, the thought that my brother is dead is coated by some sort of protective film that prevents it from fully penetrating my brain. Some part of me still seems to function on thought that he is still in Dallas, alive and well, just like always.
Shortly after he died, I went through a sort of panic thoughts for my children. I was afraid that we'd made a big mistake only having 2 children. If something happened to one of them, the other would be all alone. I thought we should have had some kind of an "insurance" child. I worried over lots of things then.
Now it's hard to imagine not being involved in PanCAN. I know had this not happened to my brother, I never would have gotten involved. Not that I prefer things this way. It's just odd to think of the different paths in life. I'm glad, extremely glad, that I've gone somewhere in response to his death. I can't say it's given meaning to his death, his will always be a senseless death to me, but it's given me focus in dealing with his death.
I'm sure next month I'll ask you to indulge me in reading some facts about pancreatic cancer. But every opportunity to share is a stab at my brother's killer. And that, well, kinda feels good.
posted by SonSon at 5:44 PM
9 Comments:
Hey, that was really sweet and insightful. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
I'm so sorry about your brother. I know how hard it is to lose a sibling. Next month will be 10 years since my sister was killed by a drunk driver.
What you're feeling is normal and I hope you continue to write your feelings and I look forward to reading about Pancan. My husand's uncle died of pancreatic cancer as well a few years ago.
It's so unfair and it makes their death all the more difficult.
The death of a sibling, as specially as young as your brother, can be extremely traumatic. As you approach the anniversary of his death, I keep you in my prayers.
I can relate to that feeling of protective coating that keeps you from completely feeling a loss. He was too young to die, and, although I am an only child, I can only imagine the immense pain you are feeling. Cancer is a very scary thing. I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way!
What a great post - so useful and kind at the same time. I too am sorry for your loss - and I think it's great how involved you are with PanCan to help others.
Thank you all for your support.
Sorry about your brother. Glad that you found a way that helps you deal with the pain, and benefits others as well.
Sorry about your brother. Glad that you found a way that helps you deal with the pain, and benefits others as well.
Sad to know about your brother.
Yes you should write more about the cancer. I for one, know nothing about it.
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