All The Only Right Ways
When I was little I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a mom. I never truly had any career ambitions. I didn't grow up wanting to be a nurse or a teacher or a veterinarian. All through high school, I had no concept of what I wanted to be. I didn't decide on nursing until bare weeks prior to graduation. I never visualized myself being anything. Accept a wife. And then a mom. I wasn't overeager for this to happen. I was married 3 years before our first was born. But I knew it. I'd always known it.
And then it happened. All of a sudden I was a mom. I thought I had it all mapped out. But then when it didn't happen the way I'd foreseen, it was like being in a malestrom. There were 100 ways of doing the same thing and each way claimed to be the best. Not only that, but each way claimed the other ways were wrong. I studied. And I studied. I read parenting magazines, books, and pamphlets. I heard (whether I wanted to or not) advice from almost everyone imaginable. They all said the same thing. The opposite of the other.
If only it had gone the way I planned. But my son was determined to take a different road even before he was born. I was sure though, that love could cure all my woes. Didn't people say that all kids really need is love? Well, it is impossible, impossible, to love another being more than I loved my son. But then....he did something naughty. And I still loved him, loved him as much as I ever had. My family insisted I spank him. But I couldn't do that, right? I loved him. And besides, Oprah said not to spank. Then, he was naughty again. My family insisted I spank him. Experts said don't spank him. Dr. Dobson, the christian author, said take a switch to his legs. Experts said put him in time out. Experts said talk to him on his level. Experts told me how long to put him in time out. Experts told me not to time time outs at all. People told me to do what feels right. I didn't have the experience to know what felt right.
I signed up for this thinking kids just need love and guidance. It sounds so simple. Now, I know kids need love, and lots of it. But I've also learned that that won't fix everything. But somehow, with kids 7 and 5, I still feel like I don't know what it is that does "fix" things. When I decide on a course of action, and decide to be consistent with it (another expert advice), I find that consistency doesn't work. My kids build up tolerance to consistency. Kinda like building up a tolerance to alcohol. Some things work really really well. For a while.
Sometimes I feel like I have failed miserably to be a good parent. While my kids have some excellent redeeming qualities, they can also be naughty. My son can't keep his hands to himself. And I can't seem to correct it. My sister has convinced my parents, and even me much of the time, that I'm just not a good parent. That if she were the parent, she could fix it in a jiffy.
Course, her one son barely talks to her and her other is a drug addict. Go figure.
And then it happened. All of a sudden I was a mom. I thought I had it all mapped out. But then when it didn't happen the way I'd foreseen, it was like being in a malestrom. There were 100 ways of doing the same thing and each way claimed to be the best. Not only that, but each way claimed the other ways were wrong. I studied. And I studied. I read parenting magazines, books, and pamphlets. I heard (whether I wanted to or not) advice from almost everyone imaginable. They all said the same thing. The opposite of the other.
If only it had gone the way I planned. But my son was determined to take a different road even before he was born. I was sure though, that love could cure all my woes. Didn't people say that all kids really need is love? Well, it is impossible, impossible, to love another being more than I loved my son. But then....he did something naughty. And I still loved him, loved him as much as I ever had. My family insisted I spank him. But I couldn't do that, right? I loved him. And besides, Oprah said not to spank. Then, he was naughty again. My family insisted I spank him. Experts said don't spank him. Dr. Dobson, the christian author, said take a switch to his legs. Experts said put him in time out. Experts said talk to him on his level. Experts told me how long to put him in time out. Experts told me not to time time outs at all. People told me to do what feels right. I didn't have the experience to know what felt right.
I signed up for this thinking kids just need love and guidance. It sounds so simple. Now, I know kids need love, and lots of it. But I've also learned that that won't fix everything. But somehow, with kids 7 and 5, I still feel like I don't know what it is that does "fix" things. When I decide on a course of action, and decide to be consistent with it (another expert advice), I find that consistency doesn't work. My kids build up tolerance to consistency. Kinda like building up a tolerance to alcohol. Some things work really really well. For a while.
Sometimes I feel like I have failed miserably to be a good parent. While my kids have some excellent redeeming qualities, they can also be naughty. My son can't keep his hands to himself. And I can't seem to correct it. My sister has convinced my parents, and even me much of the time, that I'm just not a good parent. That if she were the parent, she could fix it in a jiffy.
Course, her one son barely talks to her and her other is a drug addict. Go figure.
posted by SonSon at 10:05 PM
3 Comments:
Everybody thinks they're experts on how to raise OTHER'S children.
There's no manuel. Do the best you can and above all, even when correcting them, they need to know and feel that you love 'em. It doesn't me you accept wrong behavior. It just means they know they're loved. Other than that you're on your own kid.
If young people really knew what being a parent was actually like, I think there would be a major drop in the birth rate.
I so agree with Doug.. that everyone thinks they are an expert on raising other peoples children. I think you are a great parent because you actually worry about these things.. that you research them and look for advice. I am a first time mom myself and my daughter is still very young but I wonder and worry all the time what to do?? Like Doug said.. there is no manuel and we have to do what we think is best and hope it pans out!! Oh btw Im new to your blog..lol I found it through a link on a friends blog :)
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