Redefining Self

In life we wear many hats. I've worn countless so far. While it's true that I define myself more by the combination of hats I'm wearing than by one hat in particular, I find that there is typically one in particular that stands out among the others and lends more weight to defining who I am at that particular point in time.

Lately it seems that I've been floundering. I find myself dissatisfied but unable to pinpoint what it is exactly that I'm unhappy with. I think perhaps that one of my major hats has been set aside and I've yet to replace it. Things have changed in my life, so much so that I'm not sure I know where I am, or who I am. For so long the name of my hat has been very simple. I was a college student, a nurse, a wife, a mom. Since my surgery, I rarely wear the hat of nurse, though I still consider it part of who I am. I'm still a wife, and, marriage being a constant investment of time and work, I consider it a significant part of who I am, yet I don't think it defines me. I wear the hat of mother most often. Mom is a hat I take great pride in, care of, and is most significant in my life, yet for some reason is not what I think is my defining role. For some it is, and, admittedly, I'm surprised it's not so for me. Perhaps because I don't think I'm very good at it. Parenthood is hard and I struggle a lot. I love my kids so much that being tough on them is almost painful for me.

So what is my main hat? For now I'm not sure. It's something I need to think about.