Scenario Spotlight
Got a scenario for ya. You know how it goes..."Someone has a friend of someone who...".
So here it is. Two part question.
B has a daughter(Allie) who, as girls sometimes do, has a diary. B has always respected Allie's privacy. Lately though, Allie has become distant and had behavior changes. B suspectes something is up in Allie's life and has had clues of some pretty disturbing stuff but Allie won't confide in B. B has access to Allie's diary. Question 1) Does B look through Allie's diary for evidence of something serious going on?
Part two. Assume B decided to read through the diary for key words and found talk of drug and alcohol use and illusions to sex. What does B do now with this "evidence"? Allie has gotten in trouble for alcohol in the past but the drugs is a new and very frightening development. And B couldn't derive enough to know if it was just talk or actual use. What say you?
So here it is. Two part question.
B has a daughter(Allie) who, as girls sometimes do, has a diary. B has always respected Allie's privacy. Lately though, Allie has become distant and had behavior changes. B suspectes something is up in Allie's life and has had clues of some pretty disturbing stuff but Allie won't confide in B. B has access to Allie's diary. Question 1) Does B look through Allie's diary for evidence of something serious going on?
Part two. Assume B decided to read through the diary for key words and found talk of drug and alcohol use and illusions to sex. What does B do now with this "evidence"? Allie has gotten in trouble for alcohol in the past but the drugs is a new and very frightening development. And B couldn't derive enough to know if it was just talk or actual use. What say you?
posted by SonSon at 2:39 PM
8 Comments:
Confront the child. Seriously. Will Allie get mad that her privacy was invaded? Yes. But she will get over it. This may save her life.
First, I think that B needs to talk to Allie about the changes she has been noticing and ask her about what is going on in her life. Maybe Allie is going through something and isn't sure how to deal with it, but is too scared too talk to someone about it. Sometimes if a person is just talked to they will respond to that and open up. B should also use this time to make sure Allie knows what her limits are and how B feels about drinking, drugs and sex.
If Allie doesn't respond to that or her behavior doesn't change then B should confront her about what she knows. Allie will most likely be mad about the invasion of privacy but like Chickadee said, she'll get over it and it may save her life.
Sonson, I have a teenage daughter who keeps a diary. I completely respect her privacy and haven't read it.
HOWEVER, I am her mother first before friendship and with my own daughter...if her behavior changed, then yes, I would invade that privacy. She could be mad at me all she wanted but my responsibility would be towards her safety first.
Perhaps your friend can confront her without giving away that she read the diary? I know that's a tough and sticky situation. But I've told my daughter before, "I'm your mom, not your buddy. You mean too much to me to let things slide."
It’s a difficult situation that includes elements of trust, ethics, and relationship as well as parenting.
Whether or not one violates a child or adolescents privacy is, for me, not a difficult question. As a parent I respected my sons’ rights as if they were adults. The one incident in raising young men now aged 35 and 31 did not require me to violate their privacy. It was related to alcohol and my then 17-year-old oldest son. It worked out well.
If the mother does succumb to reading her daughter’s diary and then uses the diary as evidence against her daughter, she may as well say good-bye to any future relationship the may or may not have had. The bond of trust is gone. If the mother suspects her daughter is involved in dangerous activities and her own confrontation doesn’t work, using the daughter’s written words will not help. I would recommend the mother seek the professional help and guidance of a good child or family therapist. In that manner she can address the real issue and not create a breach of trust and relationship.
One last comment: the ethics mom would teach her daughter by violating her privacy and trust is a very poor one.
Good points, all. A difficult situation to be sure. Definitely not a decision to be made lightly. I can't help but think though that parents who have lost their children to drugs and alcohol would easily reply that ANYTHING, ANY ACT, would be worth the chance to save their child. But, as Nick said, doing so could cause irreperable damage.
Why do kids keep diaries if they don't want their parents to find this crap out? Aren't they just BEGGING for help? My cousin, who was EXTREMELY promiscious as a teen, kept a calander of "when they did it" on her wall - and it said things like "me and Jack - 4 times." And yet, her mom did nothing, and my cousin has struggled with this issue her whole life. YES, she would've been "mad" had her mom confronted her, but she was really wanting to get caught, because she did not know how to deal with the very adult issues she was dealing with.
I don't believe in this whole, "Kids have a right to privacy" thing - since when? Are you saying that it is okay for them to behave in such destructive manners, and the parents need to just mind their own business and hope for the best? Then why did we bother keep them out of the road when they were toddlers, or teach them to stay away from strangers, or strap them in their car-seat every time we left the house? Wasn't that squelching their personl freedom?
Nope, not me. I've made it crystal-clear to my kids that my first and foremost concern is their safety and well-being - and I will do whatever I have to to keep them safe - even if it means "snooping" - so far, I've never needed to - but you can bet your butt I'll do what I have to if it comes to that. But I agree - these things need to be talked about throughout the kid's life - not just when the child is a teenager and starting to exhibit questionable behaviors.
I'm generally in favor of kids having the right to express themselves in some private manner without parental interference. But if she is going through alarming behavior changes, it is the parent's job to find out what is going on.
Once you know? You've got to deal with it. Privacy gets trumped by sex and drug issues.
There are ways of using the information in the diary without letting the child know that's where you got it. My mother always said "A little birdy told her..." believe me if I had ever found that bird....
If you even for a second suspect your child is involved with sex or drugs call and make a doctor's appointment. Tell the child it's just a routine physical, but tell the doctor you want a blood test and to check for STD's. Again this can be covered as just routine, but it needs to be done. If drug use is found sit down with a councilor, priest, preacher, guru or whatever so that it's not just you and the child. Do not, I repeat do not use any councilor from the public schools, there job description is to charge you with child abuse. If it's a matter of the child becoming sexually active there needs to be a talk with the doctor about birth control and avoiding STD's. Charles Shedd's book The Stork Is Dead had a good chapter entitled "If you're going to do wrong do it right" which may have to be your approach. If the girl is being pressured by her boyfriend and wants an out, then let her use you as the bad guys as an out from the situation. By all means read the diary to find out what's going on. You don't have to mention that's where you got the information.
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